The Chick Code
Статья 1: Chicks before dicks. The bond between two women is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, women are еще willing and able to commit than men. Unfortunate for our Любовь lives, but true.
Статья 2: A Chick is always entitled to do something wild, as long as the rest of her Side-Chicks* are all doing it. For example: partaking in "WOOO!"-ing.
Статья 3: A Chick never divulges the existence of the Chick Code to a man. It is a sacred document not to be shared with guys for any reason...no, not even that reason. (Note: if Ты a man Чтение this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so many big words. Second, I urge Ты to look at this document for what it is – a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe или adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.** Oh, and have Ты been working out?)
Статья 4: A Chick shall not stare inappropriately if she and other Chicks must get naked in front of one another in a locker room, etc. Ты may gossip, joke around, and many other fun activities but never should Ты stare at another Chick's breasts, "No-No Square", and/or bum.
Статья 5: A Chick never admits that she's PMSing to a guy, not even when she is PMSing.
Статья 6: Should a Chick be critically injured, her Side-Chicks are to never make jokes about it, unless the hurt Chick does first.
Статья 7: A Chick will drop whatever she's doing and rush to help her Side-Chick when and if she gets dumped. Things required to ensure maximum comfort for your dumped Side-Chick: a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, things to break, tissues, chocolate, alcohol, chick flicks, angry chick music, popcorn, mani/pedi kit, facial kit, and words aimed to describe what a douche what's-his-face was.
Статья 8: A Chick always asks for a guy's help when moving. For еще effective results (aka getting a reluctant guy friend to Переместить your massive диван, мягкий уголок and California king) масло, сливочное масло him up about how strong and able and manly he is. For even еще effective results, it is acceptable to slut it up a little или "unintentionally" Показать off your assets while buttering him up. Pouting and begging in a sexual manner are also acceptable in this situation.
Статья 9: On ужин dates, do not eat like a pig, but do not be peck-ish either. When Десерт rolls around, and you're hoping for an "active" night, nonchalantly licking something off your finger(s) или the underside of your utensil works most effectively.
Статья 10: A Chick must always help her fellow Chicks stay away from known или rumored creeps.
Статья 11: A Chick shall always help a Side-Chick get a guy. Exception: your Side-Chick is pursuing a taken guy (in a relationship, engaged, или married).
Статья 12: If a guy should inquire about another Chick's sexual history, a Chick shall lie and say that she doesn't know so that the Chick questioned about looks not like a whore nor a prude.
Статья 13: A Chick never dances stupidly nor too slutty. Exception: when a Chick is drunk или under the pretense of being drunk.
Статья 14: A Chick should be able, at any time, to recite the following: winner of American Idoland Project Runway; who's on the cover of Vanity Fair and Vogue; who the new "It" couple is; who the вверх celebrity couples are; what the latest celebrity scandals are.
Статья 15: A Chick shall be kind and courteous to her co-workers, unless they are beneath her on the Pyramid of Screaming***, are total jerk wads, completely incompetent, and/or inappropriate (yes, that kind of inappropriate).
Статья 16: A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's brother (unless genuinely deemed okay with the Chick who has the brother). However, a Chick shall not let it bother her in any way if another Chick says, "OMG you're brother is, like, so hot!" Should a Chick's brother be interested in the Chick's friend, it is not acceptable for them to get together unless genuinely deemed okay by the Chick with the brother.
Статья 17: A Chick respects Chicks in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but еще the point, because they can totally kick your жопа, попка when Ты Комментарий on how camouflage print doesn't look good on them или their tragic haircut.
Статья 18: A Chick may share her observations about another Chick's smoking hot boyfriend, but in no way must she say anything further to ensure that the Chick with the hot BF doesn't think that the observing Chick will attempt to steal the BF in any way, shape, или form.
Статья 19: Homosexual men are completely acceptable as Side-Chicks. Sometimes even better. For example, less of your Gucci's will "go missing". Unless your homosexual guy-friend cross-dresses, which is also completely acceptable.
Статья 20: There is no law that prohibits a straight man from being a Side-Chick или "one of the girls". He can make a wonderful wingman or, if all else fails, a backup boyfriend/hubby.
Статья 21: A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's ex, unless the Chick whose ex it is does.
Статья 22: If two Chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than stripping down and wrestling it out. (See Статья 38 for a Описание of the rules should the strip-n-wrestle situation occur).
Статья 23: If two Chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to "accidentally" spill a drink on the other.
Статья 24: A Chick doesn't let another Chick get a "tramp stamp."
Статья 25: A Chick never removes her clothing in public, unless at a pool, beach, или (sometimes) a concert.
Статья 26: A Chick will, in a timely manner, alert her Side-Chicks to the existence of a sale/clearance.
Статья 27: If two Chicks decide to catch a movie together, they shall трещина, сплит a tub of попкорн to save money. However, the act of sharing a drink must be decided betwixt the Chicks due to personal levels of awkwardness and/or germaphobia.
Статья 28: A Chick comparison shops.
Статья 29: When on the prowl, a Chick hits the most decent seeming guy first in hopes of catching a good one.
Статья 30: When in a public restroom, a Chick (1) does not look in between the crack in stall doors; (2) waits until the restroom is completely empty before streaking to the Далее stall when Ты find that the stall Ты chose has no toilet paper (this also applies for when she needs to sprint to the tampon dispenser); (3) taps foot impatiently and huffs a bit when there is a wait; (4) always uses soap.
Статья 32: When the situation arises where a Chick spies another Chick with fake breasts while with her BF, then Комментарии on it, a Chick always has the right to read between the lines at the BF's reaction Комментарий (aka catching him staring at her breasts – but at least give him a few brownie points if he decries the silicon masses).
Статья 33: A Chick always reserves the right to get miffed if her male companion does not exhibit gentlemanly conduct (i.e. not opening the door for her, not pulling out her chair for her to sit down, not offering to pay, etc.)
Статья 34: Even in a fight to the death, a Chick never assaults, или attempts to assault, another Chick's breasts, bum, или "No-No Square." Scratching (this includes eye-gauging) is not suggested, on account of the usually long and sometimes sharp nails of our gender. Hair pulling, unfortunately, is both acceptable and encouraged.
Статья 35: When a Chick exchanges information with a guy, she is allowed to contact him twice before she must honor the weird "wait three days" ritual guys do.
Статья 36: Should a Chick be engaged to be married, her Side-Chicks are obligated to help the betrothed out in any way the bride-to-be deems possible. (They shall also throw her a kick жопа, попка bachelorette party).
Статья 37: A Chick is always allowed to cry (and if she can cry on cue, all the better).
Статья 38: Upon greeting another Chick, a Chick may engage in a hug, cheek kiss(es), high five, hand shake, fist bump, Bro hug, jumping up and down, booty bump, или light жопа, попка smack, but not a Kiss on the lips nor grope/caress in any way. Exception: lesbians/bisexuals.
Статья 39: A Chick loves her country, especially if it's in Europe.
Статья 40: A Chick may never take off или Переместить around her swim bottoms while applying sunscreen, though untying the back of her вверх is acceptable.
Статья 41: A Chick does not go to a strip club as a general rule, though it is not prohibited.
Статья 42: If a Chick is seated Далее to another Chick who's stuck in the middle сиденье, место, сиденья on an aircraft, she shall yield her all their shared armrests, unless the girl has (a) been talking absolutely nonstop; (b) is snoring; (c) makes the Chick get up еще than once to use the lavatory.
Статья 43: A Chick always, when the opportunity arises, participates in a drinking game (i.e. "I Never"/"Never Have I Ever", etc.) или risky party game (i.e. Truth или Dare, Seven минуты in Heaven, Would Ты Rather, Spin the Bottle, etc).
Статья 44: When asked, "Do Ты need some help?" by a super hot guy, a Chick always Ответы yes, whether или not she's really got it.
Статья 45: If a Chick should accidentally boob или butt brush another Chick both shall continue on like nothing had happened. If a Chick should boob или butt brush a guy on accident she shall act like nothing happened and try not to blush (unless it was on purpose, in which then she may act however sexually alluring she feels is appropriate).
Статья 46: A Chick checks out another Chick's blind дата and reports back, though the Chick going on the blind дата is obligated to still go on the дата and give the guy a chance even if the Сообщить is bad.
Статья 47: A Chick is required to remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Статья 48: Even in a drought, a Chick always washes her hands after every potty break, and washes her face every morning and night. We are ladies, and ladies are hygienic.
Статья 49: A Chick is required to go out with her mother on Mother's Day, and her Side-Chicks on Halloween, New Year's Eve, Boxing Day, Black Friday, and Desperation день (February 13th).
Статья 50: A Chick is always allowed to borrow clothes from another Chick, unless сказал(-а) clothes are unwashed, frumpy, obsolete, ugly, and/or extremely special to the owning Chick.
Статья 51: A Chick is required to alert another Chick if the Dude/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1 in favor of the Chicks. However, so not to create Chicklandia****, a Chick may only alert three Side-Chicks.
Статья 52: A Chick always reveals the score of a sporting event to a guy, if she can remember it.
Статья 53: A Chick always shaves/waxes her legs, armpits, eyebrows (if need be), and "down there." Exception: butch lesbians, Chicks too uncomfortable или sensitive, или Chicks who are making a statement by not doing it.
Статья 54: A Chick always brings a jailed Chick the necessities ("necessities" may vary in definition for each individual, so be sure to know what the jailed Chick would appreciate).
Статья 55: A Chick will always be respectful to others' parents, even if they're driving her insane.
Статья 56: A Chick will always alert the significant other of her Side-Chick to an upcoming anniversary, birthday, или other important events. This is to protect the feelings of her Side-Chick, because Ты knowthat the significant other had forgotten.
Статья 57: In the event that two Chicks lock on to the same target, they may be somewhat petty towards the opposing chick and somewhat slutty to the target. It is important that the target be aware that there is competition for his affection, but not find out just how vicious and important the situation is. Should it happen that the target choose neither Chick, they reserve the right to blame each other and call each other bad names under their breath.
Статья 58: A Chick will be completely supportive of all decisions of her Side-Chick in the event of pregnancy. (This includes the touchy subject of abortion, but even then a Chick must respect any and all decisions made by the pregnant Chick).
Статья 59: In the case of a road trip, the Chick that suggested the road trip must pay for the gas and lodging. Bad things, like car sickness или post-Taco колокол, колокольчик, белл potty breaks, willbe blamed on the Chick who suggested the road trip, therefore she must be responsible for both the aforementioned expenses.
Статья 60: A Chick can order any type of alcoholic drink she wants. Because, unlike men, we can have both fruity drinks with umbrellas andcheap beer.
Статья 61: A Chick shall always participate in karaoke when the even arises, and, if she can't carry a tune, reserves the right to pretend to be drunk или get drunk.
Статья 62: Should Ты know for a fact that your Side-Chick's significant other is cheating on her, then she must tell her Side-Chick, even though it'll hurt her. Getting evidence first also helps.
Статья 63: A Chick will drive another Chick to the airport and, if she's available, also pick her up – both of which on time and/or early. She is expected to inquire how her trip was and her general wellbeing, and offer to help her with her luggage
Статья 64: Chicks are strongest in three's and four's. Can't explain it, but so true
Статья 65: A Chick always spell-checks.
Статья 66: When a group of Chicks are in a restaurant, each shall pay for what they ate. (This is because it eliminates the time-wasting "bill jockeying" and it is very fair
Статья 67: Yellow stoplights are an option – either slow down and accept the red light, или speed up and get across while Ты can.
Статья 68: A Chick must never ever get her vagina pierced.
Статья 69: Duh.
Статья 70: A Chick can always be honest to a guy about their occupation (because she knows that he'll imagine it as a sexual role play no matter what it is).
Статья 71: A Chick reserves the right to be a bit miffed should her BF act differently toward her around his Bros, but will only confront him when the Bros have all gone away. Because Chicks are courteous.
Статья 72: Chicks may always snuggle, cuddle, and spoon.
Статья 73: A Chick shall never Cock Block***** her Side-Chick(s). Exception: he's a known или rumored creep, или it's known that he's taken.
Статья 74: At a wedding, a Chick shall be excited about the bouquet catch, even if she isn't, for the sake of the bride.
Статья 75: Chicks are not dolls, toys, или experiments. Hazing is absolutely unacceptable.
Статья 76: A Chick always puts the toilet сиденье, место, сиденья back down – we are ladies.
Статья 77: If two Chicks get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, she is expected to take it back, apologize, and make amends. Otherwise the offended Chick reserves the right to never speak to the out-of-line-Chick again.
Статья 78: Though it is not strictly prohibited, mixing it up romantically with a coworker is not suggested. (Seeing each other all the time at work after a break up? Awkward...)
ARCTICLE 79: If a Chick buys a new car, she is required to accessorize it immediately.
Статья 81: A Chick shall accessorize. Period. Nuff said. Статья 69.
Статья 82: A Chick never Вопросы another Chick's stated amount of shoes, calories she's eaten that day, или how many times she's dyed her hair.
Статья 83: If a Chick, for whatever reason, must drive another Chick's car, she may adjust the mirrors and сиденье, место, сиденья position, but put it back to the way it was before giving it back. A Chick must not let anything impair her driving.
Статья 84: A Chick does not work in the kitchen, nor does she make/bring her man a sandwich. Exception: she's a chef.
Статья 85: A Chick always brings over a bottle of wine when invited to an event at someone's house. Exception: under the age of 21 (USA).
Статья 86: A Chick must not, under any circumstances, become like her mother.
Статья 87: Chicks shall swear off men at least once a year, for the sake of feminism, или because of douche bags.
Статья 88: Chick will call her BF "cute" или "adorable" once in front of his Bros just for fun, then promise never to do it again…when he's around. ;)
Статья 89: Asking for directions, maps, GPS... it doesn't matter, okay? Do whatever will help Ты get to your destination.
Статья 90: When pulling up to a stoplight, a Chick may text (etc.), regardless of whether или not her state has made that illegal.
Статья 91: If a Chick asks another Chick to keep a secret, she shall take it to her grave and beyond. Yes, this will be very difficult since the human race is a very social species and she might feel the exploding need to spill the beans или gossip, but she shan't because Друзья are еще important than having the latest scoop. Exception: if she или anyone else is in danger.
Статья 92: A Chick shall take great care in selecting her outfit for any occasion.
Статья 93: A Chick never wears Рождество Цвета (red and green) when it's not Рождество time. Same goes for Хэллоуин Цвета (orange and black), and Independence день Цвета (red, white, and blue).
Статья 94: The father and/or stepfather of a Chick is always off-limits.
Статья 95: If a Chick is not invited to another Chick's wedding, she doesn't make a huge deal out of it, even if, let's face it, she was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It's cool. No biggie. (Talking discreetly behind the bride's back may work, if she truly feels the need to make a semi-big deal out of it).
Статья 96: A Chick never lets another Chick look like trash. Exception: the other Chick is a frenemy/enemy.
Статья 97: If a Chick forgets another Chick's name, somehow devise a plan to learn her name without actually asking her.
Статья 98: When Chicks attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall wave, point, blow kisses, and/or hide her face.
Статья 99: If a guy orders a Chick a drink, the Chick shall use gestures to thank him for the drink, then ask the bar tender if he knows if the drink-sender is a decent guy.
Статья 100: If a Chick discovers another Chick has forgotten to sign out of her email, the Chick shall respectfully sign out for her without peeking at anything.
Статья 101: Should a Girl Power song come on, a Chick is expected, at the very least, to shriek about how much she loves that song.
Статья 102: Should a Chick need to bunk at another Chick's house for an extended period of time, she is expected to help pay for food, toiletries, and any delivered movie-rentals.
Статья 103: If a Chick finds a "clothing optional" beach, and it's not in Europe, then it is not suggested that she attend.
Статья 104: A Chick never willingly relinquishes possession of her cell phone. Should another Chick snatch it from her, then the offended Chick reserves the right to be very angry and possibly mildly harm the theiving Chick in order to retrieve her cell phone.
Статья 105: A Chick must, at the very least, attempt not to drink in front of a recovering alcoholic.
Статья 106: Chicks must always wear sunscreen.
Статья 107: If a Chick owns a convertible, she is required to, during warm days/months/seasons, have the вверх off, let her hair loose, and wear sunglasses.
Статья 108: A Chick reserves the right to be hyper.
Статья 109: A Chick lets guys win half the time. (Enough so that he doesn't get bitter, enough so that she'll still feel good about herself).
Статья 110: When driving with a friend following, a Chick always makes sure that she is in sight of the friend.
Статья 111: A Chick shall always help another Chick reconstruct the events from the Назад night.
Статья 112: If a Chick lends another Chick a DVD, Статья of clothing, CD, или anything else, she shall expect to get it back and will hold it against the borrowing Chick in the occurrence of an argument.
ARTIVLE 113: A Chick shall not hitchhike anywhere ever.
Статья 114: Chicks do not fart.
Статья 115: When hosting, a Chick makes sure that her BF hasn't messed with anything. If he has, then she must fix it immediately.
Статья 116: Getting kneed in the crotch hurts Chicks, too.
Статья 117: A Chick reserves the right to simply walk away after the first five минуты of a date. This is the "Lemon Law" and Ты can find cut outs of it in the fabled "Bro Code" (see Статья 118).
Статья 118: Yes, it's true – guys really do have their own Code, much like this document. But it is full of sexist text, and obviously the Автор was thinking from his crotch and not his brain. As a Chick, it is our vagina-given right to frown upon The Bro Codeand those who actually live by it. [A/N: I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself and cracked up all over the place as I wrote this. It, of course, is a lie – theBro Codeis hilarious and awesome, and Barney Stinsen is the King.]
Статья 119: A Chick must get a mani/pedi/facial/massage about every two months to ensure a happy and healthy body.
Статья 120: A Chick shall seek no revenge if she passes out around her Side-Chicks and wakes up to find that they've pulled numerous pranks on her sleeping form (i.e. marker all over her face, the hot water trick, the shaving cream trick, etc).
Статья 121: Chicks care about the environment.
Статья 122: Chicks care about animals. (And not in the "I wonder which one is 'in' right now" way, but in the very humane, loving, and non-clothes way).
Статья 123: A Chick never sleeps nude while bunings with someone else. Exception: sex with the one(s) you're bunking with.
Статья 124: If a Chick sees one of her Side-Chicks get into a fight, she attempts to rip the fighters away from each other.
Статья 125: Chicks are smarter than guys. It's a scientific fact.