As someone who liked Вампиры before the fad started I'm one of the many people who dislikes the Twilight vampires. And thinks they should be reclassified as pixies. или that at least Zombie Bram Stoker should go have a serious talk with Stephenie Meyer about vampires... What do Ты mean Bram Stoker hasn't risen as a zombie in protest to the Twilight vampires? Why don't Ты go prove it? I'll wait...


...They didn't come back, so I'm assuming Zombie Bram ate their brains. We'll have to carry on without them. Anyway, I must admit Meyerpires are an interpretation of the vampire myth I just don't like. I've heard a lot of vampire Фаны talk about how they aren't real vamps, and that's an opinion I can go with, but I've also heard a lot of 'and I'd never want to be one'. Really? I totally would, anti или not. All the reasons I find them annoying to read about are reasons it would be fantastic to be one. Reasons like

1. A million superpowers.
Think of a superpower. I guarantee Ты there's a Meyerpire who has it. Ты want to live forever? check. Want superspeed? check. Ultra hotness? check again. Uber strength? Mind reading? Emotion control? You'd be amazed how long I can stay here listing powers. Never needing sleep? Precognition? Tracking? Psychic pain causing. I'm serious, I can do this all day. Super escaping? extra compassion? Ok, they start to suck after a while, but that's only because those characters have so many superpowers that Meyer seemed to literally run out.

2. Sparkles.
The sparkles thing always seemed stupid to me. Also, I'm pretty sure that the whole 'I'm made like a diamond and therefore sparkle' thing would in reality at best make me chronically пересекать, крест eyed through visual distraction или at worst make me actually blind, but this isn't reality, it's Meyereality. Do Ты have any idea how much money you'd save on jewellery? Not to mention how handy it would be to light up like that. Need to hail a cab but can't get noticed? Sparkle! Problem solved. Sure, I'd practically never want to, so Ты might think 'as a Meyerpire you'd have to all the time unless Ты moved somewhere cloudy so it would still suck' but not so. If a barrier as thin as clouds prevents it a spray tan definitely would. I'd be one fake tan away from looking completely normal (There Ты go Cullens, Ты gaggle of dopes. I've just saved Ты another 200 years of living in Forks. Go to Hawaii или something)

3. Superhero!
So, Ты find out you're immortal with superpowers. There are 3 things Ты might think: "I'm going to kick жопа, попка as a world saving superhero", "I'm going to take over the world like a supervillain" или "I'm going to spend eternity in highschool" there aren't, there are just two because nobody in their right mind would think of freakin' highschool. I would be off saving people by the truck full, since as someone less insane than the Cullens I can think of a thousand еще heroic uses for superpowers than cheating at algebra. I mean, sure I'd be totally selfishly motivated, expecting payment in the form of cookies, but aren't so many human lives worth a cookie или two? (Yes. Yes they are. Go fetch my cookies!)

4. Vampire baseball.
I'm so not dropping this. I think vampire baseball is great, I really do. Anti или not, that's just hysterical and fantastic. Not since арахис масло, сливочное масло and желе have two seemingly Болталка things been combined to such success. Yes, I understand it's not actually supposed to be the ridiculous and amusing spectacle I find it, but I don't care. It's just so Болталка and silly that it cracks me up. If only one good thing has come from Twilight (which for antis is entirely possible) it's that I now live in a world with vampire baseball. Adding vampire powers to something as mundane and unconnected as baseball is just funny. And why stop at baseball when vampire баскетбол would be at least equally funny? Remember all those lives I was going to save in the last option? Well heck with them, I'm going to be too busy vampire go-karting. And Vampire fly fishing. Vampire bowling. Vampire Wii bowling! Can Meyerpires fly? I bet at least some can. And do Ты know what that means? VAMPIRE QUIDDITCH!!!