I Had No Idea What to Tell My Daughter About Body Image. And Then She Wrote This.| Momastery 

Two nights ago, my ten-year-old daughter, Tish, who is a younger version of me (in every wonderful, terrifying way) sat on my bed and said with a shaky voice, “Mama, the other girls are all skinny. Why am I different?”

I stared at her and silently lost my mind. Ten is when I noticed my differentness, too. Ten is when I decided there was something wrong with me and  became bulimic. My life became a total shit storm for the next twenty years. And as I sat on that bed with my baby, I swear to you I became ten again. It all rushed back and I froze. I just froze. I could not think of one helpful word to say. Even though it is my entire job to think of something helpful to say.

I tried to use my secret life strategy, which is to treat every conflict like I’m at an improv. Instead of resisting other people or ideas or problems, instead of

But that didn’t work. Nothing but frozen silence from me.

Craig was by the door and he said, “G, can I talk to you for a second?”

I looked at Tish and said, “Hold on, baby.” Craig and I went into the bathroom.

I looked at him and said some bad words. Then I said, “I can’t do this. I AM this. How do I help her from becoming this when I AM THIS?

Craig said, “No. You can’t freak out right now. I know this is intense for you — but she needs you. You were made for this. Just tell her the truth. Can you do this?”

And I said, “Yes. Fine. Okay.” So I went back out and Tish and I sat on my bed for two hours and talked about everything. We talked about all the messages girls get about staying small and quiet and competitive and how that’s all horseshit meant to keep girls weak and separate from each other, so we can’t join forces and lead.

We talked about how hard and wonderful it is to have a body, and we talked about what, exactly, bodies are for. I did my best. The truth is – I’m still learning what it means to be a woman and how to live comfortably inside my body. Ten to forty has gone by pretty fast.

Then last night, Tish and I went to a bookstore. On our way out, Tish stopped in front of the magazine rack. She stood in front of a rack made up of seven covers — covers that all displayed pictures of women, each blonder and more emaciated than the last, each angrier and more objectified than the one before. These magazine covers held up a certain type of pretend woman for all to see as the pinnacle of female achievement. Tish stared. My insides caught fire. I thought about calling her away but then decided: no. I won’t leave her to figure this out alone. We’ll wade into this together.

So I walked over and said, “Confusing isn’t it? What do you think they’re trying to tell you about what it means to be a successful woman? Do you believe them?”

Then I picked up a magazine and we looked at it together. I said, “Tish, what do you think women’s bodies are for?”

And I said: “Are women’s bodies for selling thing?”

And I said, “That’s why this feels bad to you. Because this is a lie. There’s nothing wrong with you, baby. There’s something wrong with THIS.”

And when we got home Tish went to her room and the next thing I heard from her was: “MOM! HOW DO YOU SPELL PETITION?”  And an hour later she brought me this.

BUT, LOOK. That’s the shift, right? When I was little — I looked at the one size fits none standard of beauty and thought: “Damn. There’s something wrong with me.” And Tish will look at the same crap and say: ” Damn. There’s something wrong with THAT.”

And she’ll likely get a little pissed. And that’s what I want. I want girls who are angry instead of sick.

Awake girls might be a little angry. But they know that the poison is outside, not inside. And they’ll work to clear the air for all of us.

If you want to raise a Love Warrior, you gotta BECOME A LOVE WARRIOR. Click here to order Love Warrior now — let’s show up for ourselves and our kids.

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LOVE FLASH MOB UPDATE AND WHY I’M SCARED AND WHY I’M HOPEFUL

This happened to me this morning. With my THREE YEAR OLD. It wasn’t quite to the same intensity, because she is only three after all, but it was there. She had gotten into my makeup in the bathroom and the blush remnants were left all over the counter (and toilet, and floor). I asked her if she had been playing with my makeup, and she started crying and told me that she “wanted to put on some makeup because [she] wanted to be beautiful.” I didn’t have any good answer for that, other than to feel like a massive failure as a mom. How can my 3 year old already feel like she isn’t enough, and how do I fix that? This parenting shit is hard.

Yes, but please keep in mind if you have one of those “perfect” bodies, you can be subjected to unspeakable jealousy and nastiness from other women and your “friends”. I am 5 feet, 5 inches tall and weigh 90 pounds. I have a 20 inch waist, and I am tiny. I do not starve myself; I eat well, I exercise, and I have a healthier nutritional intake than any of the women with whom I spend time. Being small is not a crime. Being a size double zero and still having to have your clothes taken in should not be a reason for women to hate you. If you are for women, you are for all women. Even the ones who look like the magazine covers.

I would have dropped the f bomb but I’m keeping it pg-13 😉

I wish with all my heart I had a mom like you Glennon. Only my Grandma accepted me for who I am. Most of my family heaped on the way I looked and weighed.

It took me a long time but I’m mostly ok with myself (I have my bad days due to my chronic illnesses).

My kids and husband support me, and my kids accept themselves. I understand your freaking out though. My daughter battled depression last year and I was SO EFFING SCARED.

But we can use our battles to help our kids get thru them–even if, and that’s a big if, they suffer as much as we did. Having your parents on your side is a powerful weapon. I think our girls are going to be strong and are awesome.

Tish- I praise God for your full, luscious, healthy body! It will take you so far in this life.

I always remind my daughter that people’s bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that the most important thing is to stay healthy and to take good care of our bodies by eating (mostly) healthy foods and being active.

It’s also incredibly important to remember how amazing our bodies are and convey this to our kids. Especially during the preteen and teenage years when growth spurts are happening, and their bodies store extra weight (energy) so it can then use it to fuel a growth spurt. How cool is that!?

It’s a totally normal process and we should help kids understand why it’s happening (and why it’s totally normal to sometimes be ravenously hungry when they are about to grow or get their periods) and why they may round out and then lean out over several times over the course of their growing years.

Thank you, Tish, for speaking out! I hereby add my name to the list. xoxo

This is a really weird coincidence (by which, I mean, message from the universe, of course). I just finished reading the portion of “Daring Greatly” -Brene Brown about parenting and vulnerability. She tells the story about her daughter on the swim team and letting her make her own choice to be brave, even though she herself is terrified and would choose not showing up if the choice was up to her.

It is the hardest part of the hardest thing ever (parenting), letting our babies go and make their own mistakes and not swooping in and keeping the pain away from them (and ourselves).

You did it though, G! You let your mini-me make her own choice, experience her own struggle, even though it was hard for her and hard for you . Just look at what it got you!!

This is me adding my signature to Tish Melton’s petition. Thanks for taking a stand Tish (it’s what strong people do)!

As I read your post I realized that the REbeL organization embodies the very things you describe, self-acceptance, loving yourself for EXACTLY who you are, rebelling against what society and social media tell us we “should” be. Dr. Laura Eickman specializes in working with those struggling with body image and eating disorders. It was through her work and frustration that she decided there must be a way to reach these kids before they become fully enveloped in this struggle. With determination and countless hours, she created REbeL, which is a peer education group set in middle schools and high schools with the intent on educating them about self-acceptance. Through this peer lead group, the students challenge each other when they hear friends using “fat talk” or “fat shaming”, instead offer compliments to one another and words of encouragement. I don’t know if there is anything like this program where you live, but if there isn’t check out their website to see if there is a way to bring it to your daughter’s school (re-bel.org or their Facebook page “rebel peer education”). One of the benefits of this group is watching the kids take their power back by creating something different.

I really loved this, because it shows all of you together making a difference. Dad as well as Mom making a difference, and a better world, by whatever degree.

Then I ask myself, why don’t more people point out the lie of the hopeless ideal? Keep on. One day, more folks will really hear this, and who knows? It may just change the world. No, it WILL change the world.

I have never left a comment & I don’t know if you could ever even find the time to read them, but I think this is so important that I thought I’d give it a shot..

YOU are a life changer & saver. And your profound words today are life changing & saving.

Is there any way that we all could “sign” the pe-tish-on too?? Wouldn’t it be incredible to see how many people agree with Tish’s profound & wise statements…. I bet the list of people would have no end.

As another, recovering 10 year old girl who turned to controlling food as a means to control the uncomfortable, confusing, and shameful feelings about being “bigger” than all the other girls, I can say these are life changing statements your daughter has made & as many people as possible need to hear them. After 25 years of recovery and continued struggle, I needed to hear them today! Your influence on love, connectedness, and understanding of ourselves & others has no end.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

and Elizabeth Gilbert (“goodbye selfish” post) credit for the inspiration.

Girl Power!! Open Heart Power!! Standing Together with Love Power!!

My 34 yr old daughter asked me how her Dad and I gave she and her sister the confidence to ignore what you are describing and feel good about themselves. At 11 years old she had braces, glasses and any hint of developing was years down the road. The thing she had in her favor is a Dad who she knew adored her. He kept she and her sister constantly in the backyard building forts, learning sports, being kids. Surrounded them with their buddies who he also taught and challenged. He showed them respect for their bodies because of what they could do, not how they looked. He did not let up when they started to develop. Their friends adored him and a few even said they looked for a husband like him. The power of a “hands on” Dad is underestimated in lives of daughters in my opinion.

Seriously, how can we all sign this petition? That would make a statement.

I, too, am in recovery from an eating disorder. I don’t have kids yet but I fear this day with a future daughter. My one tidbit of advice, having been through this : subscribe that girl to New Moon Magazine, especially for their 25 Beautiful Girls issue (an annual tradition). It is just the best. I still reread old issue when I need to remember what I, as a girl/woman, am for.

I have struggled with my body my entire life, BUT i am extremely careful TO NEVER say anything negative in front of my 6 year old daughter. However she ALREADY says her beautiful little legs ARE FAT! This tears me up inside…and seeing this is EXACTLY what i needed. Thank you!

I just wish I could start over with our 16-year-old niece we’re raising. She is gorgeously curvy and constantly worried about being fat. We talk and listen and talk some more, but her family history and the culture around her give her opposite messages. So frustrating. I’m going to show her this post. Thank you for your courage and humor. We need all the help we can get!

We women need to hear this on a regular basis no matter what our age. Thank you. – Charity

I am hopelessly ignorant about these things but aren’t there platforms where one can put a petition online for the public to sign? Because THIS can help so many…young and old. Bless you both and all of your family.

I needed a dose of something to believe in this morning. Thank you.

THANK YOU TISH!!! I’ve had my 7.5 year old point out that her stomach isn’t as small as other kids stomachs… I’m 34 and I ask these same questions. There are days where I wish I was just more comfortable with who I am. I’m a teacher and I tell the young women that I work with that we have to BUILD EACH OTHER UP! Women shouldn’t be in the business of tearing each other down or making each other feel less about ourselves. We have enough poison in our world doing that for us. Thank you Tish, for taking the time to think about how we should be treating each other and loving each other as human beings!!

What a brilliant girl you are raising. This is an important blog post. Thanks for being so raw and authentic in your expression. Those magazines make me want to curse too.

Add my name too! And I’m signing for my two young girls. We will have this talk someday, I’m sure, and I appreciate you and Tish teaching me how to handle it!

I’m the mom of a 10 year old pediatric eating disorders patient. <3 Thank you for everything you do. <3

We have these conversations regularly. My daughter's eating disorder had different roots than what's described here, but these roots still grew up into thorns that tangled with her already disordered thinking about food.

There's nothing wrong with *her*, there's something wrong with *this.* Perfect. I'm using it. 😀

“I can’t do this. I AM THIS” The hardest parenting moments are when you see your crap coming up in your precious child. It’s so hard. You went through your struggles and you KNOW what to say. Obviously you said the right things because she’s looking at things in a much different way then we do when we are left to our own devices. BRAVA~~@@@@!!!

I wanted boys. I wanted only boys, just boys. Boys. Twin boys! But boys. Why? Because being a girl is so hard. Becoming a woman is so effing hard. And so of course, I had a girl. She is beautiful and perfect with this halo of strawberry blonde hair, an infectious smile and the most ridiculous sense of humor. She can read! She is learning the periodic table of elements, she has opinions about everything. And she is not even 4 years old yet. I am so dazzled by her, but I am terrified for her. I was her once: all beauty and brilliance, and then I figured out that I wasn’t ever going to be a magazine cover girl, and I started hearing words like “fat” and “diet” and “not good enough”. I am doing my best to keep those words out of my vocabulary for her sake. I don’t want her to grow up as broken as I was, as broken as I am trying really hard not to be. Thank you for this. You’re doing a good job.

Thank you for sharing. My daughter, at age 12, is 5′-10″ (Daddy is 6’6″, me 5’6″). She’s beautiful, inside and outside, as a human being. But she too, has made a statement that she thinks her thighs are fat. THEY ARE NOT!!!! I will be sharing this with her this week so we can have an open dialogue.

THIS is why I backed the launch of Kazoo magazine (for girls who aren’t afraid to make some noise), for my daughter. I hope it will be on the magazine rack for Tish later this summer.

This is amazing. I have a gorgeous, healthy 12 year old daughter who recently cried about her hips. We talked about how all bodies are different and how strong and beautiful and kind she is. Tonight she asked why skinny is considered good — how did that happen, who made that happen?

How do we harness this clarity and strength? How do we get girls having honest conversations about their bodies and what they are feeling?

Glennon, we need you! How do we bring this to our communities? xoxo

“angrier and more objectified” — you could describe so many of us that way!

In the annals of pivotal life moments, I think you helped Tish make the healthiest turn of all. <3

I want to sign this. And, I want to send this to everyone I know and ask them to sign this. This is beautiful.

Thanks for posting this. I happen to come across it while checking out what The Compassion Collective is all about. What remarkable courage on your part as a parent to go through this and make a difference in your child’s life … and now in a world of people out there you don’t even know. Heck Yeah! – Bella

Yes. Thank you, Glennon and Tish, for courageously speaking truth, and helping give those of us who may not know how to talk about this issue with kids, a great place to start. Add my name to the list!

On the topic of alternatives to mainstream media portrayal of women – does anyone have experience with Darling Magazine? I learned about it only a couple of days ago as an alternative to mainstream magazines. They appear to believe in portraying women as they are and discussing more-than-surface-level issues, but I haven’t yet been able to read it to see how I’d feel about holding it up as good example.

Glennon, as ever, thank you for your amazing words.

Just shared and will talk about this with my 10 and 12 year old girls. We’re signing that peTISHion. Thanks TISH!!!

I love the petition! And the picture of you taking a deep breath, going back in to the scary place, and giving the gift of time and vulnerability to your daughter (a two-hour talk takes a lot of commitment!) is beautiful. I’d like to add one tiny gentle additional thought that has come up as I’ve worked through this for myself and my now-grown daughters. I don’t want my daughters to believe that all of the lies and shaming and brokenness and pressure to meet a ridiculous standard come from outside. Yes, women and girls are victims of a society that gives harmful illegitimate messages about their identity and worth, and those messages must be drowned out and, please God, silenced. But the destructive power of those messages is magnified a hundredfold because there is also something going on INSIDE the girl or woman that helps her buy into those messages…and sometimes the messages aren’t even the genesis of those beliefs; sometimes they are only validation for what she is already telling herself. We don’t have to label what’s going on inside our girls (and ourselves) as “wrong,” but I think it’s a mistake to not tell the truth about ourselves–that we want unhealthy things, that we make choices, that we also can tell lies and harm ourselves, that we deep down actually have come to the same conclusions we deplore in others. It’s not all going on “out there.” Teaching our girls how to respond to messages from out there is vital…but dealing with the even louder ones inside is also big, important work.

Rachel I think you placed this beautifully. The guilt or drive or cravings that come from within can be confusing to understand and manage and balance and I agree it’s as much our job to teach our littles THOSE life skills… bravo for the addition! G, YOU are amazing. Great job, Mamma!

Heads up, friends. This is going to be an intense post.

THIS spoke volumes to me tonight. 20 years ago, I was hospitalized for an eating disorder. I weighed 79 pounds and was throwing up over 10 times a day. I don’t talk about it much…it (fortunately) is so far in my past that I consider it a different time and life.

THIS is what I want spoken to them. I have one that is built just like me. And one that wants to eat A LOT. I make them separate dinners because I am so concerned that dinner time will become a “scary place”. It is its own monster…because now they won’t eat with flexibility at all…but we’ll get there.

I had a huge support network. My family STEPPED UP. My friends then are my friends now. I stole food, I stole money, I lied, I cheated. And they are still here. Beyond that, I had an amazing therapist (and we’re still in touch). BUT I still don’t know how to address it all…

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