NOTE: This interview is written as if Bella is still human. Think after Eclipse but before Breaking Dawn. And I don't mean to offend Twilight Фаны with any of the Вопросы that Rita asks Bella in this article, based on Rita's personality in the books, I'm assuming she'd ask awkward questions.
Me Myself and I
By Rita Skeeter
Today's interview is with Популярное Фэнтези book character, Bella Swan. Captivating readers in Twilight, read on as I interview Bella, and see if there's еще to her than just an obsession with Edward!
*The door opens, and in walks Bella......with Edward.*
Bella Swan: Can Edward please come?
Rita Skeeter: Sorry, *huge grin*....NO!
BS: *whines* Pleeeeease?
RS: *I flash my famous "no-way-but I'll-still-pretend-to-be-nice" grin and shake my head*
*Edward mutters something in Bella's ear, and Bella nods and smiles as she sits down in my chair. I shake my head....I can tell when somethings up. I wave my wand, and with a flash of purple light, I hear a loud, "OUCH!", and the sound of something being thrown backwards. There is a loud smashing sound, and a large, Edward-shaped hole appears in the door, and then there is a thud from outside. Bella rises out of her chair..*
BS: Holy crow! What did Ты do? Edward! Are Ты all right?
RS: *Waves wand, and the door slams shut* I wanted YOU, Bella, now please, SIT DOWN! *I smile winningly and push her back into her chair* Edward will be fine...... I think. That's the first time I've ever used the Vampire-banishing spell.....the Ministry's just modified it for sparkly Вампиры like your Edward. *I mutter a quick spell to fix the door and make it so Edward can't sneak in again*
BS: *Eyes widen* What?!
RS: Moving on.....can I can Ты Bella, или do Ты prefer Isabella?
BS: *Uneasily, and twisting in her chair to look back at the door* Uh... yeah, Bella's fine...
RS: Lovely. Now do Ты mind if I use a quick-quotes quill?
BS: *Confused* What's that?
RS: Wonderful! Now let's begin. So, tell me about yourself. I want to know you, the REAL you. And of course, so do my readers! *wink*
BS: Well....um....I'm from Forks.....and I Любовь Edward.....we're going to get married.
RS: Of course we all know that, darling....anything else? Like what do Ты like to do....any hobbies? Friends?
BS: Well...doing things with Edward, I guess. I'm up for anything as long as he's with me.
*Quill scratches, and I nod. Of course most victims.....er, I mean Interviewees are reluctant at first*
RS: And how does it feel to have two incredibly gorgeous guys after you?
BS: Edward and Jacob? Well actually, it's pretty annoying, I mean Jake's a good friend, but he just doesn't get it, I mean, I'm with Edward, okay?
RS: Hmmmm, okay. Not to be rude, but doesn't that seem a bit ungrateful? Ты know that a lot of girls out there would Любовь to be Ты right now!
BS: Look, Edward and I are in love, okay? Jake should just accept that and Переместить on! *She rises half out of her chair defiantly*
RS: No need to get excited, I'm just asking...
BS: *Sits back down*
RS: Now, what do Ты say to the fact that to most peoples definitions, Edward is technically dead? And have Ты always had issues with necrophilia или is this a relatively new issue?
BS: What? And hey...Edward ISN'T DEAD!
RS: Of course he isn't, darling. *wink* Now,
BS: True Любовь knows no bounds!
RS: Yes, all right...moving on, do Ты think of yourself as a good role model for teen muggles-er, I mean GIRLS?
BS: Well, everyone-*Bella leans over and looks at my Письмо pad* Hey! Edward ISN'T DEAD! And my name isn't Mary Sue...it's Bella....and what's that about "severely lacking a personality"?!?!
RS: Never mind the quill, dear. Now-
BS: *Interrupting* You'd better not be planning on publishing that! Edward won't let you!
RS: *Muttering* Like I'm really afraid of a sparkly fairy and a Mary Sue-
BS: WHAT?! I'm not Mary Sue, and EDWARD ISN'T A FAIRY!
RS: Er...I mean Vampires....I'm not afraid of VAMPIRES, *smirk and wink* Now, moving on, how do Ты feel Stephenie Meyer has portrayed Ты and the fairy....I mean, EDWARD in the Twilight series? Do Ты feel she's done Ты and your necrophilia issues-I mean, ROMANCE justice?
BS: Well, I didn't get the title, I mean, what does the time of день have to do with me and Edward? And I don't even like apples!
RS: *Raises eyebrows* O-kay...
BS: And like, seriously, what do tulips, ribbons and chess pieces have to do with love? And the titles, I mean, I don't know anything about astronomy.....and we're in love. They should have been called something еще like, "Bella and Edward", or, "Forbidden Love", или something like that.
RS: Okay, so now-
BS: *Interrupting* And they didn't do Edward justice either. He's just so beautiful, his skin is so pale,he's godlike in every way. I mean, I can't believe he chose me, we're so in love. And he's just so romantic, I mean, he watches me when I sleep!
RS: *Gags* Are Ты aware that what Ты classify as romantic, most others would classify as creepy или stalker-ish?
BS: What's creepy или stalker-ish about Edward sneaking into my house and watching me sleep или following me around? It's so sweet, he cares about me so much!
RS: *Eyeroll*
BS: What? Just because YOU'VE never had a boyfriend......
RS: Excuse me, darling?
BS: Nothing *glare* Anyways, Edward is just so perfect, I mean-
RS: *Covers ears and looks sick* Please, stop.....I get it, dear!
BS: I mean, the way he sparkles is just so-
RS: I get it, please, stop! *Tries to cover ears*
BS: -Adorable, and he's so kind and romantic, and he's just so gorgeously perfect-
RS: *Turning green* I can't take it anymore! *Gets up and runs for the door*
BS: *Doesn't notice, and keeps talking about Edward* He's just so incredible in every way, and he's smart-
*As I was running for my life, trying to avoid dying of boredom and/or going insane from Bella's inane Edward rant, I was forced to conclude my highly informative interview with Bella Swan*
Me Myself and I
By Rita Skeeter
Today's interview is with Популярное Фэнтези book character, Bella Swan. Captivating readers in Twilight, read on as I interview Bella, and see if there's еще to her than just an obsession with Edward!
*The door opens, and in walks Bella......with Edward.*
Bella Swan: Can Edward please come?
Rita Skeeter: Sorry, *huge grin*....NO!
BS: *whines* Pleeeeease?
RS: *I flash my famous "no-way-but I'll-still-pretend-to-be-nice" grin and shake my head*
*Edward mutters something in Bella's ear, and Bella nods and smiles as she sits down in my chair. I shake my head....I can tell when somethings up. I wave my wand, and with a flash of purple light, I hear a loud, "OUCH!", and the sound of something being thrown backwards. There is a loud smashing sound, and a large, Edward-shaped hole appears in the door, and then there is a thud from outside. Bella rises out of her chair..*
BS: Holy crow! What did Ты do? Edward! Are Ты all right?
RS: *Waves wand, and the door slams shut* I wanted YOU, Bella, now please, SIT DOWN! *I smile winningly and push her back into her chair* Edward will be fine...... I think. That's the first time I've ever used the Vampire-banishing spell.....the Ministry's just modified it for sparkly Вампиры like your Edward. *I mutter a quick spell to fix the door and make it so Edward can't sneak in again*
BS: *Eyes widen* What?!
RS: Moving on.....can I can Ты Bella, или do Ты prefer Isabella?
BS: *Uneasily, and twisting in her chair to look back at the door* Uh... yeah, Bella's fine...
RS: Lovely. Now do Ты mind if I use a quick-quotes quill?
BS: *Confused* What's that?
RS: Wonderful! Now let's begin. So, tell me about yourself. I want to know you, the REAL you. And of course, so do my readers! *wink*
BS: Well....um....I'm from Forks.....and I Любовь Edward.....we're going to get married.
RS: Of course we all know that, darling....anything else? Like what do Ты like to do....any hobbies? Friends?
BS: Well...doing things with Edward, I guess. I'm up for anything as long as he's with me.
*Quill scratches, and I nod. Of course most victims.....er, I mean Interviewees are reluctant at first*
RS: And how does it feel to have two incredibly gorgeous guys after you?
BS: Edward and Jacob? Well actually, it's pretty annoying, I mean Jake's a good friend, but he just doesn't get it, I mean, I'm with Edward, okay?
RS: Hmmmm, okay. Not to be rude, but doesn't that seem a bit ungrateful? Ты know that a lot of girls out there would Любовь to be Ты right now!
BS: Look, Edward and I are in love, okay? Jake should just accept that and Переместить on! *She rises half out of her chair defiantly*
RS: No need to get excited, I'm just asking...
BS: *Sits back down*
RS: Now, what do Ты say to the fact that to most peoples definitions, Edward is technically dead? And have Ты always had issues with necrophilia или is this a relatively new issue?
BS: What? And hey...Edward ISN'T DEAD!
RS: Of course he isn't, darling. *wink* Now,
BS: True Любовь knows no bounds!
RS: Yes, all right...moving on, do Ты think of yourself as a good role model for teen muggles-er, I mean GIRLS?
BS: Well, everyone-*Bella leans over and looks at my Письмо pad* Hey! Edward ISN'T DEAD! And my name isn't Mary Sue...it's Bella....and what's that about "severely lacking a personality"?!?!
RS: Never mind the quill, dear. Now-
BS: *Interrupting* You'd better not be planning on publishing that! Edward won't let you!
RS: *Muttering* Like I'm really afraid of a sparkly fairy and a Mary Sue-
BS: WHAT?! I'm not Mary Sue, and EDWARD ISN'T A FAIRY!
RS: Er...I mean Vampires....I'm not afraid of VAMPIRES, *smirk and wink* Now, moving on, how do Ты feel Stephenie Meyer has portrayed Ты and the fairy....I mean, EDWARD in the Twilight series? Do Ты feel she's done Ты and your necrophilia issues-I mean, ROMANCE justice?
BS: Well, I didn't get the title, I mean, what does the time of день have to do with me and Edward? And I don't even like apples!
RS: *Raises eyebrows* O-kay...
BS: And like, seriously, what do tulips, ribbons and chess pieces have to do with love? And the titles, I mean, I don't know anything about astronomy.....and we're in love. They should have been called something еще like, "Bella and Edward", or, "Forbidden Love", или something like that.
RS: Okay, so now-
BS: *Interrupting* And they didn't do Edward justice either. He's just so beautiful, his skin is so pale,he's godlike in every way. I mean, I can't believe he chose me, we're so in love. And he's just so romantic, I mean, he watches me when I sleep!
RS: *Gags* Are Ты aware that what Ты classify as romantic, most others would classify as creepy или stalker-ish?
BS: What's creepy или stalker-ish about Edward sneaking into my house and watching me sleep или following me around? It's so sweet, he cares about me so much!
RS: *Eyeroll*
BS: What? Just because YOU'VE never had a boyfriend......
RS: Excuse me, darling?
BS: Nothing *glare* Anyways, Edward is just so perfect, I mean-
RS: *Covers ears and looks sick* Please, stop.....I get it, dear!
BS: I mean, the way he sparkles is just so-
RS: I get it, please, stop! *Tries to cover ears*
BS: -Adorable, and he's so kind and romantic, and he's just so gorgeously perfect-
RS: *Turning green* I can't take it anymore! *Gets up and runs for the door*
BS: *Doesn't notice, and keeps talking about Edward* He's just so incredible in every way, and he's smart-
*As I was running for my life, trying to avoid dying of boredom and/or going insane from Bella's inane Edward rant, I was forced to conclude my highly informative interview with Bella Swan*