I thought it was time someone wrote a cross-over of House Md and Grey's Anatomy.My knowledge of GA is rudimentary,so shoot me if Ты don't like the storyline*ducks to avoid the bullets*.There is not even one sane scene in this fanfic.Hope Ты like it :)
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED
Рождество Eve at PPTH.House and his team,old and new,are congregated in Cuddy's office.
C:I know it's Рождество Eve,but this is good publicity for the hospital,so whether Ты like it или not,you're going to do this!
T:My wife is going to kill me if I don't Показать up tonight!
C:Do I seem to care,Dr Taub?Now,I know we're facing Seatle Grace Hospital,who's won the tournament 4 years in a row,but we can thrash them if Ты cooperate(looks at House's teams).I want Ты to kick butts!If we win,I promise you'll get rewarded in a way Ты can't imagine
(House smiles malevolently.Everyone leaves the office but him.)
C:What do Ты want now,House?
H:I want to take part.
H:In the paintball match.
C:You know Ты can't.(points towards his leg)
H:Don't tell me what I can't do.I met Stacy at the annual Doctors-Lawyers match.
C:That was before your leg.
H:You don't want me to paricipate because you're afraid.
H:When we win...
C:If we win.
H:The kind of reward you'll have to give me.
C:You're that sure we gonna win.
H:I'm always right and you're avoiding the subject!
H:When we win..
C:If we win.
H:Will Ты shut up?(Cuddy is smiling,content at how irritated House is with her)
When we win(places his finger on her lips to shut her up),you and me will spend the night together.
C:That's it?I thought Ты were going to ask me to do sth stupid,like strip in frot of everyone in the hospital lobby.
H:That's not a bad idea!
H:I prefer Santa(thinks a bit) или Satan to give me your zesty body for Christmas.
C:Are Ты sure?The Назад time was miserable.
H:You're joking?I clearly remember an administrator shouting her lungs out "Oh my God,House!"
C:And I can clearly remember a Dean of Medicine faking an orgasm!
H:You did not!I would have known!
C:With all the hookers you've been sleeping with?
H:You just screwing with my head.You did not fake it.(uncertainty is in his eyes)
C:You'll never know.(replies with a sexy,sinister grin)OK,it's a deal.We win,I'm yours for Christmas(puts emphasis on the last word).If we lose,you're mine.I already own your ass,it's time I won another part of your body(looks down at "little House").
H:Deal.(they shake hands) I win,no matter what.(House turns to leave)
C:Wait!(she corners him against the wall)
H:What are Ты doing?
C:Thought I should motivate Ты more(she steadily puts her hands on his chest,caressing it for a while,then lingers on his stubble.She leans in to Kiss him.House is simply shocked.Cuddy is inches from his mouth,lingers a bit,looks into his eyes with a sexy look and backs away.)
(leaves the room.Scene changes.Bailey and the Chief are in the conference room)
B:What is it,Chief?
Chief:My wife wants me to spend Рождество Eve with her или else she'll divorce me.
B:Oh,no,no!My kids are also waiting for me!
Chief:It's an order!You'll supervise the match.
B:But...(he raises his fnger to silence her)
Chief:These matches end quickly.And with those idiots at PPTH,you'll be Главная in no time.
B:Then why don't Ты stay?
Chief:Because I'm chief administrator.Understand?
B:Yes,chief.(he leaves the room,Bailey starts swearing)
Ты arrogant,crazy sonafabitchin-bastard!Ineptitude lard boy,fucking oaf..
(the door opens)
Chief:Did Ты say anything?
Chief:I thought I heard noice.
B:It was the TV(he stares at the closed TV)
Chief:Educating program(leaves the room)
B:Bag full of crap,dangling git..(the door opens)
Chief:Did Ты say anything?
(scene changes.A huge maze can be seen.Both teams,PPTH and SGH,are in the labyrinth,wearing black uniforms and holding guns.Cuddy and Bailey
are located in a building near the maze.In front of them is a screen of the maze.Bailey grabs a microphone.)
B:The rules are simple.The winning hospital is the one who's doctor is not shot.When somebody shoots Ты in the head and chest,you are dead and have to leave the game.You have 5 минуты head-start.So,move it!
(Both teams start running through the maze.The camera zooms first to the PPTH team)
H:OK,let's трещина, сплит up in teams.Me and Wilson...
F:Why трещина, сплит up?Cuddy сказал(-а) to cooperate.
H:Cuddy is not here.So,split up!(They трещина, сплит up in teams.House and Wilson one team,Chase,Cameron,Foreman,Kutner and 13 another team,leaving Taub all alone)
T:Why am I always picked last?
(scene changes.The SGH team has also трещина, сплит up in teams:Meredith,Derek and Lexie,George,Izzy,Christina and Alex.The camera zooms to the first team)
M:Stop folowing me!
L:I'm not following you!I'm tagging along.
M:It's the same thing!
D:Meredith,relax.We're supposed to be a team.
D:Dr Shepherd to you.
L:Yes,sir.(he whispers to Meredith)
D:She also annoys me but we're in a freaking maze,we can easily ditch her and then I'll Показать Ты some new moves.
M:Is that a threat?
D:A promise.(Meredith smiles but then notices her sister)
M:Come on,go in front.If Ты Любовь me so much,you'll gladly save your sister from being shot.
(scene changes,camera zooms to the секунда SGH team)
G:We've been walking for ages!
Chr:George,wake up!Not even 10 минуты have passed.
G:I don't want to be here.
Iz:None of us want to,especially with you.So,get over it!
G:I didn't want to hurt you,Izzy.I can't divorce my wife.
Iz:I Ты didn't want to hurt anyone,then Ты should have restrained yourself!
Alex:Hey,hey!We're playing paintball and you're shouting.
Iz:He started it!
G:I didn't start anything!
Chr:Everyone,shut up!You're ruining my chi!George,leave!
Chr:Firstly,because you're an intern and secondly,you didn't ask me to sleep with you!(everyone shouts:What?)
Hormones have hit me in the head.Don't know what I'm saying.George,you're still here!Beat it!
(scene changes.Control Room)
B:We're never going to leave this place(she grabs the microphone)Move it,Meredith или else you'll be wiping butts for a month!I can't believe no one has fired a single round!
Cuddy:You've got to go somewhere tonight?
B:My children(takes out her wallet and extracts a фото of her children.Cuddy looks at them sadly)
C:You're lucky you've got someone waiting for you.
B:You're kidding,right?A gorgeous woman like Ты is alone?What's wrong with you,girlfriend?(Cuddy grabs the mic)
C:House,stop procrastinating!You're not going to win me like that!Move your ass!(House starts shouting through the maze)
H:The only one who will be moving their rotundas жопа, попка tonight up and down my hip...(Cuddy switches off the mic and smiles awkwardly to Bailey)
B:You're sleeping with Dr Cane?
C:No,I'm not!(Bailey looks at her in a disapproving way)
B:I thought we were bad,but there's even worse!
C:What's that supposed to mean?
B:Stop copying us!We'll sue you!
B:Only we have triangles and sexual tension!Not other hospitals!We're the Hospital of Loove!
C:We have Dr Loove!
C:At least,we're smarter than you!You couldn't solve our cases not even in your wildest dreams!
B:We've got Emmy winners!Aaah!(Cuddy and Bailey start fighting,are thrown on the floor,pulling hair,slapping each other.After some minutes,they snap out of it)
C:What was that?
B:I don't know.It was like someone had infiltrated my mind and was forcing me to say those words.
C:Let's relax.Breath in,breath out.(Cuddy takes a yoga position for some moments)
B:You know yoga?
C:No,but Lisa Edelstein does.
B:Who's Lisa Edelstein?
C:(shrugs her shoulders) I have no idea!Let's leave.I feel a bit rebelious.
B:Yeah,chief can shove his tournament where the sun don't shine!Martinis?
(scene changes.George is wandering all alone in the maze)
G:I don't believe I'm lost!Anyone?Somebody?Help!(he hears a sound behind him.He turns)
"Who's there?Alex,if it's you,it's not funny(9he starts walking,the crunching sound is heard again)
"Cut it off"!
(the sound is closer,George turns.In front of him is an individual,in black,wearing a creepy half Scream and half Хэллоуин mask)
Nice outfit,Alex!If it was Meredith или her sister..
(the masked person takes out a dagger and slits George's throat open,leaving him bleeding on the floor.Scene changes.Cameron,13,Foreman,Chase and Kutner are walking down the maze.They seem totally bored)
13:Why did Cuddy force us to partcipate?
Ca:Because she's a сука with authority!
Ch:Don't be mean,Cameron.Cuddy is OK.
Ca:She forced me to sweep all the ER!
K:(laughs)It wasn't Cuddy.That was House!
K:He got pissed off because Ты hided his porn!
Ca:I'm going to kill him!
F:Save your energy for our opponents.
Ca:Isn't it a bit creepy in here?
K:"They're coming for you,Barbara"!
Ca:My name is Alison,not Barbara.
K:You kidding,right?You don't know the quote:They're coming for you,Barbara?
Ca:No.Am I supposed to?
K:Night of the Living Dead,George Romero!Didn't Ты watch horror Фильмы when Ты were a kid?
F:Probably,The Small House on the Prarie или the Brady Bunch.
Ch:I totally agree with them.You know what she forced me to watch the other night?Sleepless in Seatle!(everyone laughs)
Ca:What's wrong with that?
13:Or some chick-flick movie like Alex and Emma!(everyone laughs)
Ca:Stop it!(she takes out her gun and threatens to shoot them)
F:You don't have it in you,Cameron.You wouldn't even harm a fly.(she hits him on the head with the gun) Hey,that hurt!(He tries to hurt her back,but accidently shoves 13 on the floor)
13:I'll kill you!
Ca:Foreman is mine!
K:Who died and made Ты king?(he shoots her,then 13 shoots her.Foreman and Chase also shoot her.They get carried away with the bullets.Cameron lies on the floor.Chase tries to find a pulse)
Ch:She's dead(silence from everyone,he shrugs his shoulders) What can we do?Life sucks!You shouldn't cry over spilt milk!(a crunching sound is heard nearby)
K:Let's трещина, сплит up.We'll accuse the SGH idiots of killing her.(Kutner and 13 choose the left fork in the maze and Foreman and Chase the right one.In the meantime,Meredith and Derek are making out after dodging Lexie.Alex and Christina are fighting so Izzy abandons them.While fighting,the serial killer surprises them and cuts their throat.Lexie is wandering alone in the maze.She suddenly finds Meredith and Derek lying on each other on the floor)
L:Don't ever dich me again,Meredith!I'm your sister!You mmight be this great doctor,dating the hottest doctor but that doesn't mean I don't deserve some respect!Hey,I'm talkig to you!(She bends down and turns them over.She screams.Meredith and Derek's guts are all over the place.She starts running,shouting for help.She turns right and is shot by Taub)
T:You're dead!Scram!(Lexie cries,her hands moving in the air wildly and runs down another corridor.Taub starts Пение Michael Jackson's song,"I'm bad" shaking his boody to the rhythum of the song)
"I'm bad,I'm bad,you know it that I'm bad...Who's bad?(he turns around.The serial killer is in front of him)
SK:No,I'm bad!(shoots him in the head and leaves Taub on the floor dead.Scene changes.Foreman and Chase are going in circles.They reach Cameron's body)
F:If Cuddy finds out what we did...
CH:She'll use her brush(smiles with hope)
F:What?You're a mazochist?
Ch:You just should have seen what Cameron would do to me!
F:Bondage and that stuff?(Before Chase can answer,a creepy laughter is heard nearby)
Ch:What was that?
F:I have no idea.(the laughter is even closer.Foreman and Chase stay put and await whatever is approaching them.After some agonising moments,filled with the eerie laughter,a huge shadow appears in the corridor.Foreman and Chase scream like little girls and hug each other.At last,they see what has frightened them.It's a small,mechanic Dr House doll.Foreman and Chase,abruptly part away,trying to seem butch.
Ch:What the hell is that?
F:It's a Gregory House doll.
Ch:It's creepy.It reminds me of the doll in SAW.
F:Look at it!It also has a cane!You're not that scary,little guy!(he tickles it below the chin.The doll wakes up and cuts off Foreman's thumb with the cane.Foreman throws it on the floor and starts whacking it with his gun)
That's for all the rascist comments.That's for being a fucking jerk.That's for my finger,you wanker!(the doll is now only small bits)
Ch:Let me look at it(wraps the finger in a hankerchief)
F:We have to get out of here.
SKiller:That's not going to happen(points his gun at them)Who killed her?(points at Cameron)
Chase and Foreman:He did it!(both point at each other.They start fighting)
F:She's your girlfriend!
Ch:You hated her!
F:I'm not going to die for whiny Cameron!(the serial killer shakes his/her head disapprovingly and shoots both of them in the head.In the meantime,Wilson and House are walking down a corridor)
W:You're sleeping with Cuddy?
H:Not yet,but I will after tonight.
W:I've kissed Lisa(House nearly falls down from the shock)
H:You're sleeping with Cuddy?
H:You just said...
W:I know what I said.We Kiss in fanfics every day.
H:What the hell is a fanfic?
W:I have no idea!
H:You're fucking around with me!(a scream is heard.Lexie appears)
L:They're all dead!
H:Relax,babe!This is the purpose of the game.
W:Can't Ты not be a jerk for one minute?(he hugs her)
H:No,it's hard.And take your hands off Cuddy!She's mine!
W:Sue me или those Письмо fanfics!
H:What the hell is a fanfic?
W:Beats me!It just popped in my head(House leaves them.Wilson tries to console Lexie.She looks at him and kisses him.They start making out when suddenly Lexie starts choking)
L:I can't breathe!Help me!(Wilson tries to help her but is thrown viciously against the wall.Amber Volakis' apparition appears choking Lexie)
A:He's mine,you bitch!
W:Amber,stop!(Amber stops only when Lexie dies)
A:You promised me that Ты would always Любовь me!
W:I still Любовь you,but you're dead!Can't I continue on with my life?
A:She was a slut.
L:Who are Ты calling a slut,slapper?(Lexie's ghost starts fighting with Amber)
W:Hey,hey!There's room for everyone!
Cameron:Is there room for another one?(Cameron's ghost Теги along.The 3 ghosts start Поцелуи Wilson)
W:I'm a lucky bastard!
(scene changes,Kutner and 13 are walking)
K:Do Ты wanna go afterwards for a drink?
13:I don't know.I don't want to ruin our friendship.(A sound is heard.Izzy appears)
Iz:Oh,hi!Am I supposed to shoot Ты now?
13:Don't sweat it!
Iz:13?What's your real name?
13:I haven't decided yet.It either Remi,Rema или Rena.(Izzy looks confused)
Iz:You want to change your name?
13:No,the voices in my head haven't deided yet.
Iz:You hear voices?
13:A man and a woman called David and Katie.
Iz:Who am I to judge others?So,how do we get out of here?
K:I know a short cut.
K:My ex worked in funfairs and taught me at trick(they walk for a while and reach the exit)
Iz:That was amazing!But,are we supposed to leave?
K:Cuddy won't mind.
K:Our Dean of Medicine.She's neat.
13:A bit miserable.She's never been in a serious relationship.Imagine the rumours.
Iz:She likes women?
K:Do Ты want to come with us for a drink?
Iz:Why not?(Kutner puts his arms around the girls' shoulders.)
K:And they сказал(-а) I wouldn't get lucky this season!
K:No idea!(scene changes.House is limping along a corridor.He has encountered several bodies in the maze but he really doesn't care.He smiles,realising he has won the bet.Suddenly,the serial killer appears in front of him)
H:Give me a break!I'm this close from nailing Cuddy!
SK:Even closer than Ты think.(takes off the mask.It's Cuddy) Didn't expect that,did you?
H:Why did Ты kill all those innocent people?
C:Innocent people?Who?Those from the Hospital of Любовь или our jerks?And I didn't kill them!
H:Then who did?
C:Eemmm,you!I'm merely a fantacy.Your subconscious told me to kill them so that Ты would win the bet.
H:If Ты were a fantacy,you would be wearing this!(he snaps his fingers and Cuddy appears in the same sexy outfit on the bus fantacy)
C:Stop doing that!(she snaps her fingers.House appears wearing the same sexy outfit with her)
H:Cut that out!(snaps his fingers again and appears in his normal clothing)
I prefer Ты wore your birthday suit(snaps his fingers but nothing happens) Hey!
C:You can't always get what Ты want!((suddenly from the corridor come all the people Cuddy killed.They are walking in a zombie-style,bathed in their blood,pointing at House,shouting:Murderer!)
H:This can't be happening!It's a dream.If I wake up.I won't be harmed.
C:Are Ты sure this is a dream?
H:You сказал(-а) it was a fantacy!
C:You can be harmed in dreams.Haven't Ты seen Nightmare on Elm Street?
H:House,wake up!(the zombies are just inches from him)
C:I'll do Ты a favour,from one doctor to another(she takes out her gun and shoots:BANG)
(House wakes up startled.He looks around.This is not his apartment.He's in a bed.He turns and sees Cuddy sleeping Далее to him.Her back is exposed.He starts Поцелуи it.Cuddy wakes up.She looks at him and smiles.)
H:Hi.(he kisses her)
C:Why did Ты wake up?It's past midnight.
H:I had a bizarre nightmare.We were in a maze and Ты were a serial killer.
C:Who did I kill?
H:The cast of Grey's Anatomy.
C:I thought Ты only watched General Hospital.
H:Me,too.(he smiles at her and kisses her passionately.They part only to take a breath)
C:I thought Ты would be tired after 3 times.
H:I'm never tired.Wouldn't want to disappoint "little House" and the "twins"(he bends and kisses her left breast)
Thought daddy forgot all about you?(he kisses now her right breast.Cuddy is smiling.House gets on вверх of her,kisses her neck for a while and looks into her eyes)
H:Merry Christmas,Cuddy.(they Kiss again.The camera slowly drifts away from them and focusses at Cuddy's window.It is snowing.You can hear moans from Cuddy and House as well as the постель, кровати shaking violently.The song "Jingle Bells Rock" is heard in the background.The camera slowly,but steadily zooms under Cuddy's bed.There are 3 objects under it.A Greg House doll,a scary half Sceam and half Хэллоуин mask and a dagger.The camera zooms to House and Cuddy on the bed.House is preoccuied Поцелуи Cuddy's lower abdomen.Cuddy has placed her hands on his head.The camera zooms into Cuddy's face which is filled with lust and pleasure.She opens her eyes and looks directly in the camera.A sinister smile forms on her face.She places her index finger on her lips and mouths: