Who ever says или posts the funnyest thing, gets a благодарность and I'm you're fan. (Please no gross,scary, или offensive pictures!)

...


Рождество funnies :)

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, Ты can paint my porch. How much will Ты charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and сказал(-а) to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I сказал(-а) she was fuc**** Goofy

There were three blond men walking along a river, and didn't know how to get across. The first man prayed to God and says, "Please make me smart so I can пересекать, крест this river." So God turns him into a red-haired man and he swims across the river. The секунда man prays to God and says "Please make me even smarter so I can пересекать, крест this river. " So God turns him into a brown-haired man and he builds a лодка and rows across the river. The third man prays to God and says "Please make me the smartest of all so I can пересекать, крест this river." So God turns him into a woman and he walks across the bridge.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: The good news is Ты have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That's the good news? What's the bad news?
Doctor: The bad news is I forgot to call Ты yesterday!

Why does New Jersey have too many toxic waste dumps and California is overpopulated with lawyers?
New Jersey had first choice.

Here is a joke:
What do Ты call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter he isn't coming anyway.

idk if this is funny:)

(At the bottom are two Болталка pictures)

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. Ты really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. Ты have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his или her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

A businessman called and had a Вопрос about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are Ты sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do Ты have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an час ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

hehe :P

Eat here and Get Gas ----->

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When Ты are in your casket and Друзья and family are mourning upon you, what would Ты like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The секунда guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

lol

This ones funny

How did he know!?!

I'm gonna do an internet!

3 Arabian men are stranded out in the desert. At death's door, they begin to hallucinate. Out in the distance they see something amazing: a дерево covered in delicious, tantalizing bacon!
As one of the men edges closer to the beautiful бекон, бэкон tree, a душ of bullets comes out of nowhere, hitting the man in the chest multiple times.
The other 2 men run over in shock, but see the shot man is still breathing. "Run away," He begins to say, taking his last breaths. "This is no бекон, бэкон tree, it's a ham-bush!"
XD