Doug: Friends just keep you away from TV.
Arthur: Why do we have to sit so close to the kitchen? Is it because we're black?
[Doug and Deacon are locked in a refrigerated truck with penguins]
Doug: "Warning: Please retain key as refrigerated trucks are not equipped with interior door handles". Mother of ass!
Deacon: Douglas S. Heffernan... whats your second name?
Doug: Steven. And yours?
Doug: Son of a mother!
Doug: My name might as well be Fatty McButterpants.
Carrie: What movie do you want to see?
Kelly: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull?
Carrie: Oh, yeah... "Floaters".
Arthur: Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
Carrie: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
Arthur: Why can't you be more like Rain Man?
Doug: All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the story of a driver, a swollen ankle, and get this, an iguana.
Arthur: You know, we're quite a team. Like Jake and the Fatman. Needless to say, I'm Jake.
Carrie: Dad, Doug and I were just thinking...
Arthur: [to Doug] Well, I hope you didn't strain yourself. I kid out of love.
Arthur: Ah, Paris. I haven't been back there since we liberated her in '44. The City Of Lights knew peace once more. I also got the clap, but that's a another story for another time.
Arthur: It seems to have reached optimal temperature. Now hit me with a load of Dougie batter.
Doug: Let's see how the waffles go and see what happens.
Carrie: Is this how you take a bath?
Carrie: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street.
Spence: What did I do to you?
Carrie: Did you lift your shirt and *make* them touch your belly hair?
[Doug and Carrie are arguing about their parents]
Carrie: Don't you bring my father into this!
Doug: He's out of his mind! He cancelled our cable, because the cable company wouldn't pay him each time they ran the movie "Arthur"!
Doug: No longer being Mastercard's bitch? Priceless!
Doug: I'm going to come up with something so romantic and heartfelt it's gonna make you feel like a piece of crap! A piece of crap!
Arthur: You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
Carrie: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
Arthur: True enough. Mystery solved.
[Arthur is moving up to sleep in the room next to Carrie and Doug's bedroom]
Arthur: Well, hello there, neighbour!
Doug: Hello. Why did he call me neighbour?
Carrie: I'm moving him up here tonight, the basement was freezing.
Doug: How freezing?
[Arthur has put dirty dishes in the cupboard]
Doug: No big deal. We'll just reload the dishwasher and wash 'em. Okay, which of these did you already put away?
Arthur: Let's see, I definitely remember putting away a blue bowl with big white and yellow sunflowers on it.
Doug: Okay, we don't own anything close to that.
Arthur: What's going on?
Doug: It's Carrie. The weirdest thing, every time we get together with our friends to play board games, she cheats.
Arthur: She cheats? That little girl? That's impossible.
Doug: Arthur, I've seen her do it.
Arthur: No, no. She may put some cotton in her bra from time to time, but she does not cheat at board games!
Joe Heffernan: You're out of your mind!
Arthur: I've never been more in my mind!
Ray Barone: What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?
Doug: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.
Arthur: Nobody squeals like Ned Beatty!
Arthur: Sure, Douglas, you're white hot. You rode the frog to the top, but lady luck can be a fickle whore.
[Doug is watching Gilligan's Island]
Doug: Oh my god. I'm fatter than the Skipper.
[Arthur wants to play golf with Doug and Ray]
Arthur: What? Three people can't play golf together? It's not sex, for God's sake!
Carrie: Dad, why have you been hanging around that school playground?
Carrie: Not selling those dumb ribbons, I hope.
Arthur: Let's just say kids will be running home to their mommies to tell them about their encounter with the Ribbon Man.
Danny: [while watching Football on a portable TV during Thanksgiving Dinner] Son Of An Ass!
[Doug, Deacon and Arthur are going to babysit Major and spend some time together]
Kelly: Okay, honey you are all set. Here is your "see and say"... Here is pinkys, whites, towels, diapers and buttcream.
Arthur: Buttcream?, where is this day headin'?
[Arthur looks at Doug]
Doug: Yeah, You wish!
Arthur: Like I waste a wish on that, huh?
[Doug answers the phone]
Doug: Hello... Mhm?... Oh, hold on a second, let me get him... Arthur! Phone!
Arthur: Who is it?
Doug: It's Louis Di Robertis from some law firm.
Arthur: Tell him to drop dead!
Doug: Okay, I am not going to tell him to drop dead.
Arthur: Then tell him to go to hell!
Doug: Not telling him that either.
Arthur: Then you go to hell!
Doug: You go to hell!
Arthur: Drop dead!
[Doug lifts up the phone]
Doug: Sorry, wrong number.
Doug: Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it?