Summary: In ‘Night Out’ we heard that Michael has been going on some really bad dates, but we didn’t get to see them. Thankfully, I happen to know one of the cameramen and he let me watch footage from three of Michael’s dates. The following is a transcription of the video for your Чтение pleasure. :D
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DATE #1
(Michael is standing outside Poor Richards)
Michael: (to the camera) So, this is my first real дата since Jan and I broke up. Her name is Helen and she’s the daughter of one of my mom’s friends. So...yeah.
(Michael turns and walks into the bar. The camera pans around the bar. A young brunette woman is sitting at a table. She waves at Michael. Michael turns to look at the camera and smiles)
Michael: Not bad looking. (He turns back around, but is startled by something he sees over at the bar.) Ugh.
(He looks at the camera in disgust, then walks over to his date. The camera pans over to where Michael was looking previously and zooms in on Meredith, who is passed out at the bar. The camera pans back over to Michael, who is just sitting down at the table)
Helen: It’s nice to finally meet you, Michael. Your mom has told me a lot about you.
Michael: Ah, yes, well, I hope just the good stuff.
Helen: Of course. She сказал(-а) Ты enjoy rock climbing, volunteering with the mentally disabled, and that Ты run your own company.
(Michael laughs awkwardly and glances over at the camera)
Michael: Yes, that’s me exactly. So, um, what do Ты do for a living?
Helen: I teach kindergarten.
Michael: Oh, that sounds fun.
Helen: (laughing) Well, I suppose so. It’s not exactly what I thought I would be doing at this age, but it’s very fulfilling.
Michael: Well, Ты know, I just Любовь kids. (Michael grins and glances over at the camera) I wouldn’t mind having bundles of them.
Helen: Oh, well. I don’t know. It’s so scary having kids nowadays. So many of them are doing drugs and getting into trouble.
Michael: (looks surprised) Really? In kindergarten? Wow, they are starting young.
(Helen stares at him.)
Helen: (slowly) No. Not my kids. I just mean, kids nowadays. I have Друзья who teach middle school and high school and that’s where the real problems seem to be.
Michael: Oh. (pause) Well, technically Ты only spend eight hours a день with your students. Ты don’t really know what they are doing at home.
Helen: (stunned) I’m sure they aren’t doing drugs.
(She looks over at the camera, exasperated. There is a long awkward silence)
Michael: So...you have a lot of Друзья that are teachers?
Helen: Um, yeah, I guess so. We tend to be attracted to people who are like us, who understand us, right?
Michael: Well, I suppose so. I run a paper company and I guess all my Друзья sell paper, so...
Helen: Really? I didn’t know there were a lot of people who sold paper.
Michael: Well, they work at the same company.
Helen: Do Ты mean your employees?
Michael: Yeah, I guess most of my Друзья do work for me. (Michael smiles) Actually, my best friend, Ryan, is my boss.
Helen: (looks confused) I thought Ты ran your own company.
(Michael looks around the bar)
Michael: Are we going to get any service here?
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DATE #2
(Michael is standing in front of a building)
Michael: (to the camera) So, my last дата was a disaster. My mom clearly doesn’t understand what I’m looking for in a woman. So, I decided that if I want this done right, I just have to do it myself. The woman I’m meeting tonight works at my dentist’s office. I was in there on Monday getting my teeth cleaned...
(He smiles wide and the camera zooms in on his teeth. There is a piece of something green stuck in between his two front teeth. The camera zooms back out)
Michael: Anyway, she was at reception and I asked if she’d like to have dinner. She was very nice and her name is--- (Michael pulls out a card and reads from it) Joanna. And this time I’m going all out. No еще meetings in a bar. This date, we are going classy.
(Michael turns and walks in the door to the restaurant. The camera zooms out so we can see it’s a Chili’s)
---
(The camera shows Michael standing at the hostess station. A Chili’s server grabs two menus and heads toward a booth. Michael starts to follow her, but stops when he notices something hanging on the Стена beside the station)
Michael: (pointing) I can’t believe they still have that.
(Michael smiles at the camera, then follows the hostess. The camera zooms in on the picture Michael was referring to. It’s a typed piece of paper with the words “Not Allowed” printed in big black letters. Above the words is a photocopied picture of Pam’s driver’s license. The camera turns back and follows Michael to his table.)
Michael: (to the camera) Oh, there she is.
(The camera pans over and we see a blonde woman walking over. She smiles eagerly at Michael)
Joanna: Hi, Mike. Man, I Любовь this place.
(Joanna sits down and immediately flips open her menu. Michael looks over at the camera, his eyes wide as saucers)
Michael: (slowly) Hi.
Joanna: So, Ты wanna share an Awesome Blossom? I Любовь Awesome Blossoms!
Michael: Um, sure.
(Michael fumbles with something in his pocket. The camera zooms in and we see him take out his cell phone. He send someone a text, then puts the phone down)
Joanna: (closing her menu) So, Mike, you’ll have to tell me all about you. What do Ты do for a living? I mean, Ты know what I do for a living. I work at a dentist office. (laughing) I’m an open book, right?
(Michael laughs forcedly. Suddenly, his phone rings. Michael anxiously Ответы it.)
Michael: Hello? (pause) Oh, hi, Dwight. (Michael looks at Joanna) What? Oh my god, that’s horrible. No, I will be right there. Just stay there, buddy. (Michael hangs up the phone. Joanna looks worried)
Joanna: Is everything okay?
Michael: (Acting upset) No, that was my friend, Dwight. Oh god, this is just too bad. His farm was just robbed by (Michael looks over at the camera)...robbers. And he is not taking it well. They apparently украл, палантин his Dundies and he doesn’t know what to do.
Joanna: (looks confused) Dundies?
Michael: Yeah, I’m really sorry but I have to go. I’m worried what he might do if he’s left alone.
(Michael stands up. Joanna looks disappointed)
Joanna: Okay, well, if Ты have to. I understand. But, Ты have my number. Call me and we’ll try this again.
(Michael slowly backs up toward the exit)
Michael: Definitely, definitely. Okay. Bye.
Joanna: Bye.
(Michael walks toward the door. The camera follows him out into the parking lot. He walks to his car, throws his stuff inside, and then turns to look at the camera)
Michael: Well, that was a complete disappointment. I mean, jeez. Ты think from looking at someone Ты could tell what they are going to be like, but...you cannot. I mean, wow. (Michael looks at the ground briefly, then back up at the camera) I really did not notice her lazy eye when I asked her out.
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DATE #3
(Michael is standing in a room. Other people are walking around in the background)
Michael: (to the camera) I’ve been having such bad luck with my dates that I decided to try a new approach. This is called “speed dating.” (The camera zooms back and we see the room is filled with little tables. On Michael’s рубашка is a tag that has his name written on it. The dot over the eye is a little heart. Michael points to his nametag) I want the ladies to realize I’m a sensitive man who is looking for love.
---
(Michael is now standing in a group of about twenty other men. At each little таблица sits a woman. The woman in charge of the speed dating stands up and speaks into a microphone)
Jill: Hi, my name is Jill and I want to thank Ты all for coming. If this is your first time---
(The camera pans over to Michael, who has his hand raised, a goofy smile on his face. He looks around and realizes that no one else has their hand up, so he quickly puts it down. The camera pans back over to Jill)
Jill: I will go over the rules briefly. Gentlemen, Ты will have two минуты with each woman. If she is interested, she’ll give Ты her card. When Ты hear the колокол, колокольчик, белл ring, Ты must Переместить on to the Далее таблица whether Ты receive a card или not. Are there any questions? (Camera zooms in on Michael, who smiles nervously) Alright, then let’s begin.
(Michael sits down at one of the little tables. He reaches over and shakes the hand of the woman)
Michael: Hi, I’m Michael.
Tiffany: I’m Tiffany.
Michael: Oh, that’s a lovely name. Tiffany. Do people call Ты Tiff или Tiffy?
Tiffany: No.
Michael: Yes, well, I suppose not. Those sound like stripper names, right?
Tiffany: (looking offended) Excuse me?
Michael: или a name you’d give a dog.
---
(Michael is sitting at another table, looking bored. The woman in front of him is talking very fast)
Sarah: So, that was my first divorce. He was a total scumbag. He was sleeping around and then, when he finally decides to leave me, he steals my alarm clock. Who does that? Who steals an alarm clock? Bastard made me late for work. And then, there was my секунда husband, who actually tried to kill me.
(The колокол, колокольчик, белл rings)
---
(Michael is sitting at one of the tables across from a very pretty young woman. They are in the middle of a conversation)
Julia: Yeah, so I grew up in Scranton and then I went away to college in Virginia and now I’m back. I never thought I’d actually want to live here again, but I guess I just missed home. Silly, huh?
Michael: No, no. I Любовь Scranton. It’s a great place to raise kids.
Julia: Yeah, I know. I actually have a son. He’s three. (She looks nervous) I don’t usually tell people about him. Most guys are scared away by kids.
Michael: (Grinning) Not me. I Любовь kids. I used to дата a girl who had two kids and they thought I was a blast. So, what’s your son’s name?
Julia: Toby.
(Michael stops smiling. He looks over at the camera in disgust)
---
(Michael is outside, standing Далее to his car)
Michael: (to the camera) I don’t understand what is wrong with the women in Scranton. Twenty dates later and I’ve managed to get one card. (He holds it up, looking irritated) It’s from the crazy girl whose husband tried to kill her.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE #1
(Michael is standing outside Poor Richards)
Michael: (to the camera) So, this is my first real дата since Jan and I broke up. Her name is Helen and she’s the daughter of one of my mom’s friends. So...yeah.
(Michael turns and walks into the bar. The camera pans around the bar. A young brunette woman is sitting at a table. She waves at Michael. Michael turns to look at the camera and smiles)
Michael: Not bad looking. (He turns back around, but is startled by something he sees over at the bar.) Ugh.
(He looks at the camera in disgust, then walks over to his date. The camera pans over to where Michael was looking previously and zooms in on Meredith, who is passed out at the bar. The camera pans back over to Michael, who is just sitting down at the table)
Helen: It’s nice to finally meet you, Michael. Your mom has told me a lot about you.
Michael: Ah, yes, well, I hope just the good stuff.
Helen: Of course. She сказал(-а) Ты enjoy rock climbing, volunteering with the mentally disabled, and that Ты run your own company.
(Michael laughs awkwardly and glances over at the camera)
Michael: Yes, that’s me exactly. So, um, what do Ты do for a living?
Helen: I teach kindergarten.
Michael: Oh, that sounds fun.
Helen: (laughing) Well, I suppose so. It’s not exactly what I thought I would be doing at this age, but it’s very fulfilling.
Michael: Well, Ты know, I just Любовь kids. (Michael grins and glances over at the camera) I wouldn’t mind having bundles of them.
Helen: Oh, well. I don’t know. It’s so scary having kids nowadays. So many of them are doing drugs and getting into trouble.
Michael: (looks surprised) Really? In kindergarten? Wow, they are starting young.
(Helen stares at him.)
Helen: (slowly) No. Not my kids. I just mean, kids nowadays. I have Друзья who teach middle school and high school and that’s where the real problems seem to be.
Michael: Oh. (pause) Well, technically Ты only spend eight hours a день with your students. Ты don’t really know what they are doing at home.
Helen: (stunned) I’m sure they aren’t doing drugs.
(She looks over at the camera, exasperated. There is a long awkward silence)
Michael: So...you have a lot of Друзья that are teachers?
Helen: Um, yeah, I guess so. We tend to be attracted to people who are like us, who understand us, right?
Michael: Well, I suppose so. I run a paper company and I guess all my Друзья sell paper, so...
Helen: Really? I didn’t know there were a lot of people who sold paper.
Michael: Well, they work at the same company.
Helen: Do Ты mean your employees?
Michael: Yeah, I guess most of my Друзья do work for me. (Michael smiles) Actually, my best friend, Ryan, is my boss.
Helen: (looks confused) I thought Ты ran your own company.
(Michael looks around the bar)
Michael: Are we going to get any service here?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE #2
(Michael is standing in front of a building)
Michael: (to the camera) So, my last дата was a disaster. My mom clearly doesn’t understand what I’m looking for in a woman. So, I decided that if I want this done right, I just have to do it myself. The woman I’m meeting tonight works at my dentist’s office. I was in there on Monday getting my teeth cleaned...
(He smiles wide and the camera zooms in on his teeth. There is a piece of something green stuck in between his two front teeth. The camera zooms back out)
Michael: Anyway, she was at reception and I asked if she’d like to have dinner. She was very nice and her name is--- (Michael pulls out a card and reads from it) Joanna. And this time I’m going all out. No еще meetings in a bar. This date, we are going classy.
(Michael turns and walks in the door to the restaurant. The camera zooms out so we can see it’s a Chili’s)
---
(The camera shows Michael standing at the hostess station. A Chili’s server grabs two menus and heads toward a booth. Michael starts to follow her, but stops when he notices something hanging on the Стена beside the station)
Michael: (pointing) I can’t believe they still have that.
(Michael smiles at the camera, then follows the hostess. The camera zooms in on the picture Michael was referring to. It’s a typed piece of paper with the words “Not Allowed” printed in big black letters. Above the words is a photocopied picture of Pam’s driver’s license. The camera turns back and follows Michael to his table.)
Michael: (to the camera) Oh, there she is.
(The camera pans over and we see a blonde woman walking over. She smiles eagerly at Michael)
Joanna: Hi, Mike. Man, I Любовь this place.
(Joanna sits down and immediately flips open her menu. Michael looks over at the camera, his eyes wide as saucers)
Michael: (slowly) Hi.
Joanna: So, Ты wanna share an Awesome Blossom? I Любовь Awesome Blossoms!
Michael: Um, sure.
(Michael fumbles with something in his pocket. The camera zooms in and we see him take out his cell phone. He send someone a text, then puts the phone down)
Joanna: (closing her menu) So, Mike, you’ll have to tell me all about you. What do Ты do for a living? I mean, Ты know what I do for a living. I work at a dentist office. (laughing) I’m an open book, right?
(Michael laughs forcedly. Suddenly, his phone rings. Michael anxiously Ответы it.)
Michael: Hello? (pause) Oh, hi, Dwight. (Michael looks at Joanna) What? Oh my god, that’s horrible. No, I will be right there. Just stay there, buddy. (Michael hangs up the phone. Joanna looks worried)
Joanna: Is everything okay?
Michael: (Acting upset) No, that was my friend, Dwight. Oh god, this is just too bad. His farm was just robbed by (Michael looks over at the camera)...robbers. And he is not taking it well. They apparently украл, палантин his Dundies and he doesn’t know what to do.
Joanna: (looks confused) Dundies?
Michael: Yeah, I’m really sorry but I have to go. I’m worried what he might do if he’s left alone.
(Michael stands up. Joanna looks disappointed)
Joanna: Okay, well, if Ты have to. I understand. But, Ты have my number. Call me and we’ll try this again.
(Michael slowly backs up toward the exit)
Michael: Definitely, definitely. Okay. Bye.
Joanna: Bye.
(Michael walks toward the door. The camera follows him out into the parking lot. He walks to his car, throws his stuff inside, and then turns to look at the camera)
Michael: Well, that was a complete disappointment. I mean, jeez. Ты think from looking at someone Ты could tell what they are going to be like, but...you cannot. I mean, wow. (Michael looks at the ground briefly, then back up at the camera) I really did not notice her lazy eye when I asked her out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE #3
(Michael is standing in a room. Other people are walking around in the background)
Michael: (to the camera) I’ve been having such bad luck with my dates that I decided to try a new approach. This is called “speed dating.” (The camera zooms back and we see the room is filled with little tables. On Michael’s рубашка is a tag that has his name written on it. The dot over the eye is a little heart. Michael points to his nametag) I want the ladies to realize I’m a sensitive man who is looking for love.
---
(Michael is now standing in a group of about twenty other men. At each little таблица sits a woman. The woman in charge of the speed dating stands up and speaks into a microphone)
Jill: Hi, my name is Jill and I want to thank Ты all for coming. If this is your first time---
(The camera pans over to Michael, who has his hand raised, a goofy smile on his face. He looks around and realizes that no one else has their hand up, so he quickly puts it down. The camera pans back over to Jill)
Jill: I will go over the rules briefly. Gentlemen, Ты will have two минуты with each woman. If she is interested, she’ll give Ты her card. When Ты hear the колокол, колокольчик, белл ring, Ты must Переместить on to the Далее таблица whether Ты receive a card или not. Are there any questions? (Camera zooms in on Michael, who smiles nervously) Alright, then let’s begin.
(Michael sits down at one of the little tables. He reaches over and shakes the hand of the woman)
Michael: Hi, I’m Michael.
Tiffany: I’m Tiffany.
Michael: Oh, that’s a lovely name. Tiffany. Do people call Ты Tiff или Tiffy?
Tiffany: No.
Michael: Yes, well, I suppose not. Those sound like stripper names, right?
Tiffany: (looking offended) Excuse me?
Michael: или a name you’d give a dog.
---
(Michael is sitting at another table, looking bored. The woman in front of him is talking very fast)
Sarah: So, that was my first divorce. He was a total scumbag. He was sleeping around and then, when he finally decides to leave me, he steals my alarm clock. Who does that? Who steals an alarm clock? Bastard made me late for work. And then, there was my секунда husband, who actually tried to kill me.
(The колокол, колокольчик, белл rings)
---
(Michael is sitting at one of the tables across from a very pretty young woman. They are in the middle of a conversation)
Julia: Yeah, so I grew up in Scranton and then I went away to college in Virginia and now I’m back. I never thought I’d actually want to live here again, but I guess I just missed home. Silly, huh?
Michael: No, no. I Любовь Scranton. It’s a great place to raise kids.
Julia: Yeah, I know. I actually have a son. He’s three. (She looks nervous) I don’t usually tell people about him. Most guys are scared away by kids.
Michael: (Grinning) Not me. I Любовь kids. I used to дата a girl who had two kids and they thought I was a blast. So, what’s your son’s name?
Julia: Toby.
(Michael stops smiling. He looks over at the camera in disgust)
---
(Michael is outside, standing Далее to his car)
Michael: (to the camera) I don’t understand what is wrong with the women in Scranton. Twenty dates later and I’ve managed to get one card. (He holds it up, looking irritated) It’s from the crazy girl whose husband tried to kill her.
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