1. It’s OK to kill people.
2. Dying doesn’t really matter much either.
3. If you’re 14, have hair covering your eyes and live in a small village, man up, because you’re going to have to save the world.
4. Medicine became obsolete in the год 2004, when doctors noticed that hiding behind a Стена caused human health to regenerate to 100%.
5. Eating stuff found on the floor is good for Ты – your parents were wrong.
6. Sometime in the future, Earth will be menaced by hordes of alien spacecraft that fly in predictable patterns and can be killed in one hit. The logical course of action will be to dispatch one Храбрая сердцем hero in an untested plane/tank/spaceship to take them all on without help.
7. Winners don’t use drugs.
8. Buildings may have crates full of goodies on their roofs, so always check, even if it means riding a motorbike up the огонь escape.
9. Enemies, rather than approach Ты directly, behave like Michael Flatley (of Riverdance fame) on a conveyor belt.
10. Keycards are only manufactured in primary colors.
11. Tanks will go faster if Ты turn the турель, башня, башенка backwards and keep firing.
12. Anything in the world can be made from food, wood and gold.
13. Most guards forget Ты unsuccessfully tried to strangle them after walking around for 20 seconds.
14. It’s surprising just how useful martial arts are on the modern battlefield.
15. When Ты get shot, Ты don’t feel any pain, nor does it affect your aim. However, it does cause your vision to turn red for a couple of seconds.
16. If a crown princess is abducted by political dissidents или terrorists it is advisable to avoid using Special Forces and instead hire the services of an Italian plumber или a dizzy egg.
17. Firearms are most simply reloaded by pointing them at the Стена and pulling the trigger.
18. Crates only contain one single item, much smaller than the клеть, ящик itself. The item will usually be in the dead centre of the клеть, ящик with no supporting packing material.
19. If you’re stuck in life and don’t know what to do, simply attempt to use every single item in your possession on your obstacle. If none of them work, go back the way Ты came. You’ve clearly missed something.
21. Wrexham can win the Champions League if Ты have about 483 full days to spare, 80% of which are spent waiting for CM04 to load (non-UK folk may not get this one).
22. Jumping on turtles’ heads is socially acceptable. Unless it’s being used as a euphemism for needing the toilet.
23. Contrary to Популярное belief, Ты don’t gain experience and knowledge by education and hard work. Ты get it from wandering around the countryside killing wildlife.
24. Princesses float farther than plumbers.
25. Despite what logic dictates, the ideal shape for a war robot is not squat, armored, with a low centre of gravity, but a bipedal humanoid. Ideally with hands to hold a gun, rather than built in weaponry.
26. Large men are slow but strong; women are fast but weak.
27. When Ты look down, Ты can’t see your feet.
28. Explosives don’t work on doors unless they’re a bit shinier than the other doors.
29. If working on high scaffolding, beware of gorillas throwing barrels off the вверх floor.
30. No girls.
31. Always be sure to smash any crates Ты come across, they will always contain good things.
32. Despite the fact that modern weapons systems are effective over hundreds of miles, in the future all space/air/sea combat will be conducted within about 50 yards of the enemy.
33. Contrary to the strict regulations Ты might think pilots have to adhere to, Ты can actually fly any aircraft upside down beneath the Golden Gate Bridge without getting in trouble.
34. War is the best fun ever.
35. It doesn’t matter where Ты shoot someone, even if it’s in the foot, as long as Ты do it enough times there will eventually be an immediate transition between alive and dead.
36. There is no practical difference between walking into a weapon and picking it up.
37. In medieval times, women regularly fought in wars, wearing armor that afforded them equal protection to Форс-мажоры of plate mail worn by men, despite only covering about 3 inches of skin.
38. Most martial arts will teach Ты how to throw fireballs at about green ремень, пояс, пояса level.
39. Roman and medieval generals had a zoomable and rotatable 3D view of the battlefield, and controlled their soldiers by clicking giant arrows.
40. Everyone speaks English, including Nazis, aliens and the living dead.
41. When your life ends Ты will be дана 10 секунды to decide whether Ты fancy going again (in some circumstances this may cost Ты some change).
42. As long as Ты are wearing at least one ring Ты will never die.
43. Pulling out a weapon makes Ты see a + sign wherever Ты look.
44. Running from side to side или backwards is just as easy and quick as running forwards.
45. Never trust a giant monkey wearing a tie.
46. Graveyard zombies are predatory homosexuals, who’ll strip Ты down to your Y-fronts.
47. Bus-loads of people will turn up to a mostly empty field to see a man in a hippo costume stand Далее to a mail box.
48. Fat people are always evil. If not from the beginning, they will betray Ты eventually.
49. Ты can only use a pair of skis once and the only Магазин selling them at resorts is invariably on the other side of a busy motorway with no visible means of a pedestrian thoroughfare.
50. Not only is it perfectly normal for Животные to talk, but their default attitude is “sassy”.
51. Modern tank warfare will be replaced in the future by building a very large number of tanks on the battlefield itself, then attacking the enemy’s strongest point head-on with hundreds of them at once.
52. Ты know when Ты have won a fight when your opponent stands still, waiting for Ты to decapitate him.
53. Prostitutes will judge Ты on the fanciness of your car and give Ты 25% bonus health post-sex. This is only in the pre-AIDS ’80s. In 2008, Ты will be tsk-ed at by an Eastern European, which makes Ты feel sick and guilty, even though you’ve been stabbing people all day.
54. Karate and driving can both be learned in минуты simply by repeating sequential dance routines as requested by cartoon animals.
55. Wearing a pair of white gloves to work every день may seem an unwise choice if your chosen career is plumbing, but, in reality, Ты will never have to dirty your pristine mitts by fishing a swollen, fetid tampon from a shit-clogged outflow pipe.
56. The bodies of your murdered victims will fade and disappear if Ты wait for a few seconds.
57. Explosives are not stored, as Ты might expect, in secure containers in controlled environments, but in barrels that are littered around combat zones at random. Highly-trained evil soldiers are quite happy to engage in sustained fire-fights while standing Далее to them.
58. Doing athletics really hurts your wrist after a while.
59. Ты can’t ever trip, even when running backwards as fast as Ты can while firing a shotgun.
60. World War II infantry jargon included such phrases as “lol”, “n00b” and “OMG HaXXoR!!11!” Modern counter-terrorist SWAT teams use the same phrases.
61. People wink out of existence when you’re not there to see them.
62. On the whole, Ты can withstand a lot еще bullets/punches/magic compared to the other guy.
63. Always shut the door behind you, especially if it looks like it might snow later on.
64. Ты don’t need scintillating conversation get on in life. Two-word commands will do fine.
65. Many, if not all, problems can be solved with a Holy Hand Grenade.
66. Being on the goodies’ side doesn’t automatically make Ты winners of The War.
67. Ты can up your bank balance $1,000 at a time by chanting ‘FUND’.
68. Kick enough Щенки and you’ll eventually gain the strength, wisdom and dexterity to take on ninjas.
69. Еда can heal most serious injuries instantly.
70. Even cyborgs/ninjas/special agents able to smash whole cities with their fists and defeat the mightiest opponent in close combat are stumped when confronted with a locked door или box, and have to go find the key.
71. Музыка spontaneously plays whenever Ты do anything exciting.
72. Modern military training teaches that the best way to defeat an enemy is to stand stock still in plain view of the enemy and огонь wildly. Making sinister noises to reveal your location is good, too.
73. If Ты notice a discolored section on a brick wall, try running up really close and pressing on it, for it may give way and lead Ты to a secret cache of weapons and armor.
74. Bullet holes will gradually disappear, foiling your attempts to draw a c--k and balls on the ground with a machine gun.
75. When you’ve run out of Еда and stuff, just leave the house and then go back in again.
76. When Ты kill people, sometimes they turn into Еда или money. или some bullets.
77. Ты can travel anywhere instantly, as long as you’ve been there before.
78. When crawling along air-conditioning ducts, if Ты go вперед and back a few times Ты may или may not see a pair of tits.
79. First aid kits can be applied to your injuries in under a second, and will instantly fix your injuries and make Ты healthier.
80. Flashlights only last for one minute, but thankfully recharge themselves over time.
81. If you’re in a замок looking for a Остаться в живых loved one, they’re in another one.
82. If you’re good enough at trading/bartering – every single Магазин in the world will reduce their prices specially for you.
83. Ты can lead a fulfilling and adventurous life, and keep several friends, without ever opening your mouth.
84. Ты can shoot open a padlock, but locks on wooden doors only ever leave a dent.
85. It is possible to carry an infinite amount of items, including a full sunday roast spread, for no adequately explored reason, without impeding either your speed или clothing.
86. “Sho-ryu-ken!” is the best opening line to start a punch-up in a pub.
87. Conversation is easy! Just think of two или three possible responses, and pick the one Ты think will lead to the greatest reward.
88. Firing a rocket launcher straight into the floor is an excellent idea, and will get Ты cool stuff, provided Ты jump into the air as Ты do it.
89. Women who are experienced mercenaries and can carry multiple heavy weapons do not look like Bulgarian discus throwers, but are lithe, slim, and have very large breasts.
90. The world is packed with unexplored ruins, most of which are packed to the rafters with treasure. Despite this, no one has yet bothered to explore them.
91. The owners of theme parks/zoos/hospitals are able to pick up visitors to their attractions with a giant grapple, and drown them in lakes without penalty.
92. Being shot in the face is only a minor inconvenience, but going into an area Ты are not supposed to will result in instant death.
93. Nazis/Alien Invaders/Evil Megacorps are always leaving medical supplies around for their opponents to heal themselves with. Their own soldiers are under strict instruction not to touch them. Ever.
94. The Популярное third dimension was introduced in the ’80s, before which you’d simply shrink and Переместить еще slowly to convey distance.
95. Ты can probably fit another rocket launcher in your rucksack if Ты carefully rearrange those four ammo clips and that Кока-кола can.
96. If someone Ты don’t like is in a swimming pool, simply remove the steps to get out. Then they will be stuck and drown through exhaustion.
97. Frogs die in water.
98. Ты can gaze at a woman’s tits for hours on end without either of Ты becoming embarrassed. However, attempts to mount her from every side like a determined St. Bernard will always result in Ты bouncing off her textured hide.
99. If Ты win a really big fight, don’t relax until you’ve made sure there isn’t a much еще powerful robot version of your late opponent lurking in a corner.
100. “Ninja” is the most common occupation on the planet, just above “Secret Agent” and “Alien in Disguise”.
101. Comprehensive military training can be acquired simply by climbing a rope, crouching and firing down a range a few times.