So, I have this idea for a story. It's about a young girl named Marguerite. She doesn't fit in in school, is constantly bullied, and is socially awkward. Her father is emotionally abusive (when he's around) and her mother doesn't really care. Her brother committed suicide when she was twelve. To cope with all this, she's created this elaborate world in her head, filled with monsters and Герои and true love. In this world, she's the beautiful, strong Soroya, who is surrounded by love; friends, neighbors, family, and her life-partner, the gorgeous Phan.
The part I'm posting is where I introduce the main Герои in her Фэнтези world. I just want honest feed back (about this part and the story in general). This is my Избранное part in the story but, in my opinion, the weakest part in what I have written. I don't care if your blunt, just don't be rude about it, please.
_____________________________________________
A lanky man strolled casually down the beach, Остаться в живых in his own mind, paying no notice to the sand clinging to his black boots. The sun was setting, casting the sky a lovely shade of pink, which contrasted nicely with the blue ocean waves beneath it. It was not chilly, but a light breeze tossed his long, black hair. He didn't seem to mind. In any way, he didn't shift the few strands from his pale face. Instead he allowed them to sit there, partially obscuring his black eyes from view. Not that there was anyone walking by to notice. Realizing this, the man stopped and frowned. Casting his dark gaze around, he searched for the girl who, not seven hours earlier, had promised to meet him here.
With a heavy sigh, he carefully picked his way a few yards to his left. A large boulder sat, right in the open, and looked large enough to sit on. Not only did it's spot present him with the ability to see in all directions, it also allowed his to gaze out over the beautiful ocean. Feeling a little еще happy, he lowered himself down unto the boulder and wrapped his legs around his knees. The breeze felt nice on his pale skin, and he closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of it ghosting over his skin. It was not often that he had moments alone like this where he could just enjoy the feeling of being alive, and he cherished every one.
Hoof beats sounded in the distance and he couldn't help but smile. She would try to sneak up on him, of course. Normally he wouldn't have let her, but he was in a lighthearted mood and decided to amuse her. Like himself, she didn't often have moments to be playful.
The beats stopped, and all he heard was the lapping of the waves. It didn't really matter; he knew she was there. Still keeping his eyes closed, he followed her progress with his other senses. She tread lightly, but her boots still swished in the sand. She was panting slightly – she'd left the horse father in the woods than he'd thought she would.
Gotcha!” she yelped, tackling him from behind. He ducked just in time, and chuckled as she tumbled over his bowed head.
“No,” he quipped lightly. “I do not believe Ты do.”
She righted herself, brushing sand of her ягненок, баранина skin pants and wool shirt. Her large brown eyes narrowed in indignation and she swept her black hair from her tan face in agitation. A normal person would have instantly apologized for offending her, simply because she was such a fair woman. A person who knew her would apologize in a futile attempt to keep her fiery temper away from delicate body parts.
He was different.
“You're breathing is still extremely heavy; I could hear Ты the секунда Ты exited the woods. Also, Ты need to be careful when walking on sand – it stirs up so easily.”
She huffed and wrinkled her nose. Although he'd never tell her, he considered it adorable.
“Do Ты know how to have fun, Phan?”
He stared levelly at her. “Yes, Soroya, I do. But my first instinct is to protect you. One mistake out there could cost Ты your life.”
She rolled her eyes, but didn't argue. Feeling slightly worried that he may have upset her, he asked in a light tone, “What took Ты so long to get here?”
Soroya frowned slightly, the expression causing deep lines to appear on her pretty face. “Artemis received a threat from a Count in Espalin. Apparently, this man threatened Katrina, Zane and I. He wouldn't tell me exactly what was going on, but he took a large guard with him.”
It sounded very trivial, dull even. But Soroya had Остаться в живых her parents in a siege when she was twelve years old. The sudden Остаться в живых forced her to grow up very quickly, and left her in a state of constant worry over her triplet brothers. Had her parents not left them a large amount of heritage – which they had used to hire personal guards – Phan had a feeling Soroya would be completely paranoid over their well-being.
“Artemis is a good fighter: strong, smart, and еще than capable. His guard are equally as trained. Things will work out fine.”
Soroya bit her lip, turning away from him and looking out over the ocean. Sensing her unease, Phan stood and walked up behind her. As he wrapped his arms around her, she leaned back, tucking her head under his chin. Despite the fact that she'd rode in the sun, and ran, she smelled very sweet; very much like honey and apples. It was subtle, but intoxicating.
“I'm sure he'll be back soon,” Soroya said, keeping her voice calm.
Phan nodded, although, in truth, he'd completely forgotten what she was talking about. “I'm sure too.”
The part I'm posting is where I introduce the main Герои in her Фэнтези world. I just want honest feed back (about this part and the story in general). This is my Избранное part in the story but, in my opinion, the weakest part in what I have written. I don't care if your blunt, just don't be rude about it, please.
_____________________________________________
A lanky man strolled casually down the beach, Остаться в живых in his own mind, paying no notice to the sand clinging to his black boots. The sun was setting, casting the sky a lovely shade of pink, which contrasted nicely with the blue ocean waves beneath it. It was not chilly, but a light breeze tossed his long, black hair. He didn't seem to mind. In any way, he didn't shift the few strands from his pale face. Instead he allowed them to sit there, partially obscuring his black eyes from view. Not that there was anyone walking by to notice. Realizing this, the man stopped and frowned. Casting his dark gaze around, he searched for the girl who, not seven hours earlier, had promised to meet him here.
With a heavy sigh, he carefully picked his way a few yards to his left. A large boulder sat, right in the open, and looked large enough to sit on. Not only did it's spot present him with the ability to see in all directions, it also allowed his to gaze out over the beautiful ocean. Feeling a little еще happy, he lowered himself down unto the boulder and wrapped his legs around his knees. The breeze felt nice on his pale skin, and he closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of it ghosting over his skin. It was not often that he had moments alone like this where he could just enjoy the feeling of being alive, and he cherished every one.
Hoof beats sounded in the distance and he couldn't help but smile. She would try to sneak up on him, of course. Normally he wouldn't have let her, but he was in a lighthearted mood and decided to amuse her. Like himself, she didn't often have moments to be playful.
The beats stopped, and all he heard was the lapping of the waves. It didn't really matter; he knew she was there. Still keeping his eyes closed, he followed her progress with his other senses. She tread lightly, but her boots still swished in the sand. She was panting slightly – she'd left the horse father in the woods than he'd thought she would.
Gotcha!” she yelped, tackling him from behind. He ducked just in time, and chuckled as she tumbled over his bowed head.
“No,” he quipped lightly. “I do not believe Ты do.”
She righted herself, brushing sand of her ягненок, баранина skin pants and wool shirt. Her large brown eyes narrowed in indignation and she swept her black hair from her tan face in agitation. A normal person would have instantly apologized for offending her, simply because she was such a fair woman. A person who knew her would apologize in a futile attempt to keep her fiery temper away from delicate body parts.
He was different.
“You're breathing is still extremely heavy; I could hear Ты the секунда Ты exited the woods. Also, Ты need to be careful when walking on sand – it stirs up so easily.”
She huffed and wrinkled her nose. Although he'd never tell her, he considered it adorable.
“Do Ты know how to have fun, Phan?”
He stared levelly at her. “Yes, Soroya, I do. But my first instinct is to protect you. One mistake out there could cost Ты your life.”
She rolled her eyes, but didn't argue. Feeling slightly worried that he may have upset her, he asked in a light tone, “What took Ты so long to get here?”
Soroya frowned slightly, the expression causing deep lines to appear on her pretty face. “Artemis received a threat from a Count in Espalin. Apparently, this man threatened Katrina, Zane and I. He wouldn't tell me exactly what was going on, but he took a large guard with him.”
It sounded very trivial, dull even. But Soroya had Остаться в живых her parents in a siege when she was twelve years old. The sudden Остаться в живых forced her to grow up very quickly, and left her in a state of constant worry over her triplet brothers. Had her parents not left them a large amount of heritage – which they had used to hire personal guards – Phan had a feeling Soroya would be completely paranoid over their well-being.
“Artemis is a good fighter: strong, smart, and еще than capable. His guard are equally as trained. Things will work out fine.”
Soroya bit her lip, turning away from him and looking out over the ocean. Sensing her unease, Phan stood and walked up behind her. As he wrapped his arms around her, she leaned back, tucking her head under his chin. Despite the fact that she'd rode in the sun, and ran, she smelled very sweet; very much like honey and apples. It was subtle, but intoxicating.
“I'm sure he'll be back soon,” Soroya said, keeping her voice calm.
Phan nodded, although, in truth, he'd completely forgotten what she was talking about. “I'm sure too.”
