Ingredients:
One large conductor, или two small assistant conductors
26 large cloves of garlic Crisco или other solid vegetable shortening (lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu или yoghurt
One abused orchestra
Instructions:
First, catch a conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the principal секунда violin) and long articulations and discard.
Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully--many of them are mostly large intestine. If Ты have such a conductor, Ты will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the conductor as Ты would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If Ты have an older conductor, such as one from a major symphony orchestra или summer Музыка festival, Ты may wish to tenderize by pounding the conductor on a rock with timpani mallets или by smashing the conductor between two large cymbals.
Next, pour one-half of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the conductor in the wine for at least twelve hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic.
Then cover your conductor with Crisco using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, Ты can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.
Next, take your orchestra and put as much Музыка out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremoloing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the секунда repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, Ты should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if Ты have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that Ты have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to Ты and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your conductor on вверх of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook или your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth.
If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your conductor as Ты would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie Еда and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.
Warning:
Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.
One large conductor, или two small assistant conductors
26 large cloves of garlic Crisco или other solid vegetable shortening (lard may be used)
1 cask cheap wine
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts
2 lbs. assorted yuppie food, such as tofu или yoghurt
One abused orchestra
Instructions:
First, catch a conductor. Remove the tail and horns. Carefully separate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any batons, pencils (on permanent loan from the principal секунда violin) and long articulations and discard.
Remove the hearing aid and discard (it never worked anyway). Examine your conductor carefully--many of them are mostly large intestine. If Ты have such a conductor, Ты will have to discard it and catch another. Clean the conductor as Ты would a squid, but do not separate the tentacles from the body. If Ты have an older conductor, such as one from a major symphony orchestra или summer Музыка festival, Ты may wish to tenderize by pounding the conductor on a rock with timpani mallets или by smashing the conductor between two large cymbals.
Next, pour one-half of the cask of wine into a bath tub and soak the conductor in the wine for at least twelve hours (exceptions: British, German and some Canadian conductors have a natural beery taste which some people like and the wine might not marry well with this flavor. Use your judgment). When the conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic.
Then cover your conductor with Crisco using vague, slow circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the conductor's body with the shortening. If this looks like fun, Ты can cover yourself with Crisco too, removing clothes first.
Next, take your orchestra and put as much Музыка out as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for everyone, big loud chords for the winds and brass, and lots and lots of tremolos for the strings. (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse these passages several times, making certain that the brass and winds are always playing as loud as they can and the strings are tremoloing at their highest speed. This should ensure adequate flames for cooking your conductor. If not, insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add the секунда repeats in really large symphonies. Ideally, Ты should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if Ты have a piece with no repeats in it at all, just add some, claiming that Ты have seen the original, and there was an ink blot there that "looked like a repeat" to Ты and had obviously been missed by every other fool who had looked at this score. If taking all the repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete set of score and parts to all of the Bruckner symphonies.
When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your conductor on вверх of your orchestra (they won't mind as they are used to it) until it is well tanned, the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be careful not to overcook или your Conductor could end up tasting like stuffed ham. Make a sauce by combining the ego, sprouts and ketchup to taste, placing it all in the blender and pureeing until smooth.
If the ego is bitter, sweeten with honey to taste. Slice your conductor as Ты would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie Еда and the remaining wine with the sauce on the side.
Warning:
Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, such as heavy metals, oily residue from intensive PR machinery manufacture, and extraordinarily high concentrations of E.coli, cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal wastes, the Departments for Conductor Decimation (DCD) recommend that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in the epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan fever." Symptoms of this disorder include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence, auditory hallucinations and excessive longevity.