Reign recap: 'A Bride. A Box. A Body.' 

Queening ain’t easy — nobody knows that more than Mary, Queen of Scots. And unfortunately, it’s not going to get any easier.

With the gruesome death of David Rizzio, her trusted adviser and BFF, still fresh in her mind (have the interwebs created a tribute to Rizzio set to “I’ll Be Missing You” yet? WE’RE ALL WAITING), Mary puts on her “I’m Not Messing Around” tweed and heads out to take back her castle. She and Bothwell waste no time in arresting the only traitor left, the Lord Treasurer, stringing him up outside the castle and letting him hang for his crimes. Once made queasy by the thought of killing someone, Mary will suffer no fools — especially fools who murdered her dear Rizzio.

Mary has her power back, but what good does that do her if she can’t dish out some justice for the treasonous actions of her privy council? They’ve all fled, and she wants them promptly found, not only so she can punish them, but also so she can force them to testify that John Knox was the brains behind the coup. Even two months after the fact, Knox knows he’s untouchable. He also reminds Mary that maybe she should be concerned about the whereabouts of her husband. Darnley is still in hiding and could easily be plotting another coup. He’s still a huge threat to her.

Bothwell knows it, too (Darnley is also a threat to his undying love for Mary… Bothwell’s the dreamiest!), so imagine his surprise when the first privy council member they round up is thanks to Darnley. Apparently, the D-man has done some soul-searching. He’s not looking for power anymore — all he wants is a chance to be in his child’s life. He’ll help gather the rest of the privy council members to prove it.

Almost impossibly, it seems like Darnley really does want to show Mary that he can be trusted. He spins a tale about Queen Elizabeth wanting to reward the men who attempted to overthrow her cousin. Darnley convinces one privy council member to send word to the others to meet that evening, where Darnley will offer them refuge in England. However, when Bothwell shows up to apprehend all of the men Darnley’s promised to get together, he finds only Darnley and a burned-down house. All of the council members were inside. Darnley blames John Knox — he could’ve easily found out about the meeting and used it as an easy way to get rid of anyone who might testify against him. Without witnesses, Knox walks.

Bothwell’s not so sure. Darnley has the same motive: He can’t be tossed in prison if there’s no one to point the finger at his role in the coup. And as Bothwell is quick to point out, Darnley has a history with setting fires in order to get what he wants. Just to be safe, Mary throws her husband in prison. Oh, the benefits of being queen.

Mary has a bigger problem on her hands anyway: Narcisse has popped over to Scotland from France after hearing about the attempted coup on Mary’s crown. He thinks it would be the perfect time to convince Mary to let him enact the revenge he’s patiently waited to get on John Knox for using Lola in his plot for power. Unfortunately for Narcisse, Mary wants to keep everything above board when it comes to Knox. She, too, wants justice for Lola, but she wants to do it in court.

When Mary’s plan to do away with Knox literally burns to the ground, Narcisse isn’t cool with just walking away. He goes through with his plan to make Knox suffer the same pain he did, the pain of losing the thing you love most in the world. What does Knox love most? Being a man. So, Narcisse castrates the guy. Narcisse is nothing if not clever. And tan. HE IS SO TAN.

In between screaming fits of pain, Knox tries to remind Narcisse that Elizabeth also had something to do with Lola’s death. She ordered the execution. Oh, Narcisse doesn’t need to be reminded. Narcisse has plans for everyone involved in the death of his wife.

Elizabeth has no idea what tragedy is coming her way. She’s over in England, busy trying to appease her fiancé while also figuring out a way to keep her love affair with Gideon strong. Thus far, she’s been sending Gideon off on diplomatic missions, like attending a 3-year-old’s birthday party, to keep him out of court. Only, now Gideon’s back, feeling unwell from all the travel, and realizing that the Archduke knows about the affair. He doesn’t want to put Elizabeth’s life or reign in danger… but he also doesn’t want to share his queen with anyone. The Archduke rubbing it in about his hot and heavy sexcapades with Elizabeth doesn’t help, either. In a very painful scene, Gideon calls the whole thing with Elizabeth off.

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