December 25, 2010
Dear Diary,
Where do I even begin? It's not enough to say how much I'm hurting. Never did I imagine I'd be spending Рождество alone, but it's funny how things can change - how your whole life can change - within a blink of an eye. It seems all I do now is replay that night in my head over and over again, the scene Актёрское искусство on a constant rewind that just won't stop. I wish I had answers, или even the slightest clue where I go from here, but I'm stuck. I'm absolutely at a loss. What does Alexander think of me now? What does Charlie see me as? If only I had the opportunity to do things differently... oh, I would jump at that chance. I'm a horrible, horrible person. How could I have been so stupid to hurt them the way I did? How could I allow things to slip right through my hands? The only men I ever loved, and look what happened. It's something I still can't understand, nor will I forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.
I'm thankful I still have Charlie's support. Aside from the occasional visits from him, silence always falls between us. I'm having a hard time Чтение him still and it's beginning to scare me. I see the way he looks at me, the way he despises me for what I've done. The silent threats and unheard sighs are tearing me apart, slowly but surely. I wish he would shake me and tell me to open up my eyes! Even if Lex hadn't been there that night, would the marriage have survived? I have my doubts, but I never would have dared to share these things with Charlie. There's so much I should say, so much I need to say, but I don't because I don't want to.
I pray for the courage to forget about Alexander. I pray for the strength to Переместить on from the past and focus on where I'm headed. I've made mistakes and I'm harboring regrets, but it's never too late to change. Even with this, I can't accept the fact he's gone. I really set myself on thinking he'd come back, или at least contact me, but I was crazy for thinking he would take that leap. Why risk his own safety? I hate him for leaving me in the dark like this, but I suppose it was time I had a taste of my own medicine, so to speak. I just wish he would see how much I need him now... how much the tables have turned.
Jamie-Sophia
I shut the notebook and slid the pen inside the spiral binding, my fingernail gently tapping against the pen cap. "Are we almost there? My жопа, попка is sore from this damn car seat." He turned his head to look at me, and after a moment I turned my head as well, meeting his gaze through the darkness. "I was wondering when you'd talk," he said, turning his attention back to the road ahead. "I'd say about another час или so. Why don't Ты write some more? Might take your mind off it." I sighed and set the notebook between my feet, fishing a water bottle from my purse. "Nothing can take my mind off it," I mumbled, taking a drink from the bottle. I swished the water around inside my mouth before swallowing, tossing it back into my bag. "Why do Ты always have to be so stubborn?" I couldn't help but laugh at his question, tonguing my cheek. "I'm only trying to help you." Furrowing my eyebrows, I stared at him hard. "If Ты really wanted to help me, Ты wouldn't be dragging me someplace I don't want to be."
"It's not a matter of wanting to be there, it's a matter of needing to be there. Jamie, this could help Ты еще than anything else right now. I'm out of ideas, okay?" I rolled my eyes, glancing out the passenger window. "And the best Ты could come up with is this?" Even in the darkness, I saw his frustration - I felt it. His foot pressed the pedal before easing up on it. "You need a therapist, Jamie." His assumption stung me like a slap to the face. "I am a goddamn therapist," I shot back, rather calmly. He remained silent for a moment before turning to glance at me. "Isn't that a bit ironic?" I stared at him before reluctantly giving in, accepting the defeat. I turned in my сиденье, место, сиденья slightly to look out the window, getting Остаться в живых in black trees surrounding us in every direction. Inside I wanted to scream and fight and run, but I just didn't care. "Look. He's a family friend and I trust this guy with my life. I'm sure he's exactly what Ты need." At some point during the exchange I tuned out, unwilling to listen to his bullshit.
His chuckle - bitter, I assumed - broke the only relaxation I had in weeks. "Merry Christmas, Jamie." I leaned away from the window and closed my eyes, cradling my head back against the cushiony softness of the headrest. "Merry Christmas, Charlie."
I stood at the center of the crowd, hundreds of people moving in slow-motion. I knew not a single person and yet they seemed so familiar to me, like I had known them all my life. People dancing, hugging, kissing. Completely in love. I couldn't tell where I was, nor did I know why I was there, but it felt right. I pushed my way through the ocean of strangers until I escaped, suddenly afraid. I began to sweat violently and my hands shook. What was I so afraid of? I stumbled backwards and crashed against a wall, unable to tear my gaze from a man and woman laughing and drinking. Pulling my knees to my chest, I watched them in a trance-like state.
It was then that everything came into focus; the strangers no longer moved in slow-motion, the бас, бас-гитара of the Музыка made my entire body tingle with a sensation I never felt before. Everything was so... alive. I stood from the ground, my feet carrying me back towards the swarm of party-goers. Lights flashed quickly. Shoulders collided as I pushed my way through the crowd to reach the center once more. Suddenly, it all came to an end. The Музыка died along with the life of the party. One stranger looked up to the ceiling, then another, then another. When my gaze followed, I realized what was happening. 10... 9... 8... 7... 6.... They all began to count down, and I found myself joining in... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Happy New Year! The Музыка started up again as everyone kissed and cheered.
"Happy New Year, Jay." His voice sent chills up and down my spine. I turned to face him, his features as vivid as the night I'd last seen him. Parting my lips to speak, I could only muster a breathless sigh. He lowered his face to mine, but I felt nothing. I opened my eyes and glanced around but he was gone. Lex was gone. All that remained was the music, the people, and the emptiness. Even in my dreams, Alexander was a memory.
Dear Diary,
Where do I even begin? It's not enough to say how much I'm hurting. Never did I imagine I'd be spending Рождество alone, but it's funny how things can change - how your whole life can change - within a blink of an eye. It seems all I do now is replay that night in my head over and over again, the scene Актёрское искусство on a constant rewind that just won't stop. I wish I had answers, или even the slightest clue where I go from here, but I'm stuck. I'm absolutely at a loss. What does Alexander think of me now? What does Charlie see me as? If only I had the opportunity to do things differently... oh, I would jump at that chance. I'm a horrible, horrible person. How could I have been so stupid to hurt them the way I did? How could I allow things to slip right through my hands? The only men I ever loved, and look what happened. It's something I still can't understand, nor will I forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.
I'm thankful I still have Charlie's support. Aside from the occasional visits from him, silence always falls between us. I'm having a hard time Чтение him still and it's beginning to scare me. I see the way he looks at me, the way he despises me for what I've done. The silent threats and unheard sighs are tearing me apart, slowly but surely. I wish he would shake me and tell me to open up my eyes! Even if Lex hadn't been there that night, would the marriage have survived? I have my doubts, but I never would have dared to share these things with Charlie. There's so much I should say, so much I need to say, but I don't because I don't want to.
I pray for the courage to forget about Alexander. I pray for the strength to Переместить on from the past and focus on where I'm headed. I've made mistakes and I'm harboring regrets, but it's never too late to change. Even with this, I can't accept the fact he's gone. I really set myself on thinking he'd come back, или at least contact me, but I was crazy for thinking he would take that leap. Why risk his own safety? I hate him for leaving me in the dark like this, but I suppose it was time I had a taste of my own medicine, so to speak. I just wish he would see how much I need him now... how much the tables have turned.
Jamie-Sophia
I shut the notebook and slid the pen inside the spiral binding, my fingernail gently tapping against the pen cap. "Are we almost there? My жопа, попка is sore from this damn car seat." He turned his head to look at me, and after a moment I turned my head as well, meeting his gaze through the darkness. "I was wondering when you'd talk," he said, turning his attention back to the road ahead. "I'd say about another час или so. Why don't Ты write some more? Might take your mind off it." I sighed and set the notebook between my feet, fishing a water bottle from my purse. "Nothing can take my mind off it," I mumbled, taking a drink from the bottle. I swished the water around inside my mouth before swallowing, tossing it back into my bag. "Why do Ты always have to be so stubborn?" I couldn't help but laugh at his question, tonguing my cheek. "I'm only trying to help you." Furrowing my eyebrows, I stared at him hard. "If Ты really wanted to help me, Ты wouldn't be dragging me someplace I don't want to be."
"It's not a matter of wanting to be there, it's a matter of needing to be there. Jamie, this could help Ты еще than anything else right now. I'm out of ideas, okay?" I rolled my eyes, glancing out the passenger window. "And the best Ты could come up with is this?" Even in the darkness, I saw his frustration - I felt it. His foot pressed the pedal before easing up on it. "You need a therapist, Jamie." His assumption stung me like a slap to the face. "I am a goddamn therapist," I shot back, rather calmly. He remained silent for a moment before turning to glance at me. "Isn't that a bit ironic?" I stared at him before reluctantly giving in, accepting the defeat. I turned in my сиденье, место, сиденья slightly to look out the window, getting Остаться в живых in black trees surrounding us in every direction. Inside I wanted to scream and fight and run, but I just didn't care. "Look. He's a family friend and I trust this guy with my life. I'm sure he's exactly what Ты need." At some point during the exchange I tuned out, unwilling to listen to his bullshit.
His chuckle - bitter, I assumed - broke the only relaxation I had in weeks. "Merry Christmas, Jamie." I leaned away from the window and closed my eyes, cradling my head back against the cushiony softness of the headrest. "Merry Christmas, Charlie."
I stood at the center of the crowd, hundreds of people moving in slow-motion. I knew not a single person and yet they seemed so familiar to me, like I had known them all my life. People dancing, hugging, kissing. Completely in love. I couldn't tell where I was, nor did I know why I was there, but it felt right. I pushed my way through the ocean of strangers until I escaped, suddenly afraid. I began to sweat violently and my hands shook. What was I so afraid of? I stumbled backwards and crashed against a wall, unable to tear my gaze from a man and woman laughing and drinking. Pulling my knees to my chest, I watched them in a trance-like state.
It was then that everything came into focus; the strangers no longer moved in slow-motion, the бас, бас-гитара of the Музыка made my entire body tingle with a sensation I never felt before. Everything was so... alive. I stood from the ground, my feet carrying me back towards the swarm of party-goers. Lights flashed quickly. Shoulders collided as I pushed my way through the crowd to reach the center once more. Suddenly, it all came to an end. The Музыка died along with the life of the party. One stranger looked up to the ceiling, then another, then another. When my gaze followed, I realized what was happening. 10... 9... 8... 7... 6.... They all began to count down, and I found myself joining in... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Happy New Year! The Музыка started up again as everyone kissed and cheered.
"Happy New Year, Jay." His voice sent chills up and down my spine. I turned to face him, his features as vivid as the night I'd last seen him. Parting my lips to speak, I could only muster a breathless sigh. He lowered his face to mine, but I felt nothing. I opened my eyes and glanced around but he was gone. Lex was gone. All that remained was the music, the people, and the emptiness. Even in my dreams, Alexander was a memory.
I know the way it eats your mind
The way your brain, eaten up
The one that leaves Ты silent, blind
Long after you've had enough
I know the way it devours your thoughts
The way Ты feel confused
It feels like a million knots
It leaves Ты feeling used
I know the way it stabs your сердце
The way it leaves Ты here to bleed
It makes quite sure to tear Ты apart
The time Ты really need
I know the way it hurts your feelings
The way it leaves Ты blue
Ты say Ты see, when not really seeing
Ты say Ты know, but that's not true
I know the way Ты try and hide it
But then Ты know you'll always find it
In the trees and in the gravel
This lie Ты call friendship, I can't unravel.
The way your brain, eaten up
The one that leaves Ты silent, blind
Long after you've had enough
I know the way it devours your thoughts
The way Ты feel confused
It feels like a million knots
It leaves Ты feeling used
I know the way it stabs your сердце
The way it leaves Ты here to bleed
It makes quite sure to tear Ты apart
The time Ты really need
I know the way it hurts your feelings
The way it leaves Ты blue
Ты say Ты see, when not really seeing
Ты say Ты know, but that's not true
I know the way Ты try and hide it
But then Ты know you'll always find it
In the trees and in the gravel
This lie Ты call friendship, I can't unravel.