Chapter 4: Thought I Was A Good Person
{Randy's POV}
I always thought I was a relativly good person. I mean, I don't drink ,or smoke, или do drugs. I won't even eat meat. I was wrong though. Everything I did to Mark, bad. Anything mean или rude thing I сказал(-а) to anyone, another strike. This must be my pay back. I try and concentrate on the fact that its probably just on my thyroid and it hasn't spread. But I did some research earlier and this type of cancer spreads quickly. What if it spread? Mark's Вопрос rang in my ears. I don't want to think about this, but no matter what I try, I can't think of anything else. Chances are if it did spread, the first place it would go is my throat. If it got past there, the Lymph nodes would be next, followed by lungs. I draw my legs up a little closer and try to tuck myself into the smallest ball possible. Why can't I stop thinking about this? I won't let myself cry. I came close to it when Brad and Mark were fighting, but now when I'm alone, I still won't let myself go. I wish Brad and Mark wouldn't act such ways around me. I mean Brad acts like he's afraid to leave my side или I might die when he's gone. Mark seems so angry that I think I should just let him yell at me and get it out of his system. Then there's Mom and Dad. Mom cried when she got the news, I wasn't sure what to do for her then. Dad, the look on his face, I'll never be able to forget it. It was like he had to relieve something horrible and I can only hope he wasn't thinking of his Dad. I just sat there like a lump, no expression, no emotion, just nothing. I can feel tears prick at the back of my eyes. No, I won't cry. Crying means something's wrong. All I have to do is get part of my thyroid removed and then get a little treatment. No big deal. 'Unless its spread.' How come that traitorous voice has to pop up when I'm just trying to make the best out of a possibly bad situation. I feel really nauseated thinking about the fact that it could spread. What would happen if it did? I think I'm about to be sick. I close my eyes and try to sleep. I have a feeling sleep would be elusive tonight.
*****
The body scan wasn't so bad. Took a little while, and the lights made me a little dizzy, but all in all it wasn't so bad. Mom waited for me outside, Dad went to work, though he told me if I wanted he would go with me. I didn't want everyone making a big fuss over me. Right now we're waiting for the results. We've been waiting a good час and Mom's gripping my hand so tightly its beginning to hurt. I would say something but I don't want to do anything else that might hurt her. Dr. Hayden stepped into the room then. His face is completly neutral. I hate that, I just wish Ты could read it on their faces. However that bad feeling has settled in my stomach and I try to push it away.
"I'm sorry." He says simply. I can feel every hope I have flitter away.
"Where?" I suppose I zoned out then, which was probably a really dumb thing to do. I did make out throat however. Mom's hand tightens if that's possible and I feel my muscles spazum in protest. The car ride. I don't even remember leaving the hospital. Wow, I must really be out of it.
"Do Ты want to stop and get something to eat?" Mom asks softly.
"No thank you."
"I'll fix Ты something when we get Главная then." Mom's driving Главная slowly and by looking at her I can tell this is killing her. As we pull up to the house I hear mom murmur something.
"What?" I ask quietly.
"How are Ты feeling?"
"I- I don't know yet." She nods and leads me into the house. No one else is home. Dad must be at work, though I think he really wanted to be with me today, and Brad and Mark are still at school. Mom sits down at the таблица and starts looking over some brochures and I stare emptily in the refridgarator looking for something to drink. Nothing looks very good to me right now. Finally I pull out the яблоко сок and start pouring. Its then I think I truly had the reality of this situation slam into me. I'm trying to fight back a barrage of emotion all at once and its not working. The tears come faster than I can stop them and once they started, they won't be stopped. I left out a small sniffle and suddenly there's mom holding me like when I was little. I finally let myself cry.
End of Ch4
{Randy's POV}
I always thought I was a relativly good person. I mean, I don't drink ,or smoke, или do drugs. I won't even eat meat. I was wrong though. Everything I did to Mark, bad. Anything mean или rude thing I сказал(-а) to anyone, another strike. This must be my pay back. I try and concentrate on the fact that its probably just on my thyroid and it hasn't spread. But I did some research earlier and this type of cancer spreads quickly. What if it spread? Mark's Вопрос rang in my ears. I don't want to think about this, but no matter what I try, I can't think of anything else. Chances are if it did spread, the first place it would go is my throat. If it got past there, the Lymph nodes would be next, followed by lungs. I draw my legs up a little closer and try to tuck myself into the smallest ball possible. Why can't I stop thinking about this? I won't let myself cry. I came close to it when Brad and Mark were fighting, but now when I'm alone, I still won't let myself go. I wish Brad and Mark wouldn't act such ways around me. I mean Brad acts like he's afraid to leave my side или I might die when he's gone. Mark seems so angry that I think I should just let him yell at me and get it out of his system. Then there's Mom and Dad. Mom cried when she got the news, I wasn't sure what to do for her then. Dad, the look on his face, I'll never be able to forget it. It was like he had to relieve something horrible and I can only hope he wasn't thinking of his Dad. I just sat there like a lump, no expression, no emotion, just nothing. I can feel tears prick at the back of my eyes. No, I won't cry. Crying means something's wrong. All I have to do is get part of my thyroid removed and then get a little treatment. No big deal. 'Unless its spread.' How come that traitorous voice has to pop up when I'm just trying to make the best out of a possibly bad situation. I feel really nauseated thinking about the fact that it could spread. What would happen if it did? I think I'm about to be sick. I close my eyes and try to sleep. I have a feeling sleep would be elusive tonight.
*****
The body scan wasn't so bad. Took a little while, and the lights made me a little dizzy, but all in all it wasn't so bad. Mom waited for me outside, Dad went to work, though he told me if I wanted he would go with me. I didn't want everyone making a big fuss over me. Right now we're waiting for the results. We've been waiting a good час and Mom's gripping my hand so tightly its beginning to hurt. I would say something but I don't want to do anything else that might hurt her. Dr. Hayden stepped into the room then. His face is completly neutral. I hate that, I just wish Ты could read it on their faces. However that bad feeling has settled in my stomach and I try to push it away.
"I'm sorry." He says simply. I can feel every hope I have flitter away.
"Where?" I suppose I zoned out then, which was probably a really dumb thing to do. I did make out throat however. Mom's hand tightens if that's possible and I feel my muscles spazum in protest. The car ride. I don't even remember leaving the hospital. Wow, I must really be out of it.
"Do Ты want to stop and get something to eat?" Mom asks softly.
"No thank you."
"I'll fix Ты something when we get Главная then." Mom's driving Главная slowly and by looking at her I can tell this is killing her. As we pull up to the house I hear mom murmur something.
"What?" I ask quietly.
"How are Ты feeling?"
"I- I don't know yet." She nods and leads me into the house. No one else is home. Dad must be at work, though I think he really wanted to be with me today, and Brad and Mark are still at school. Mom sits down at the таблица and starts looking over some brochures and I stare emptily in the refridgarator looking for something to drink. Nothing looks very good to me right now. Finally I pull out the яблоко сок and start pouring. Its then I think I truly had the reality of this situation slam into me. I'm trying to fight back a barrage of emotion all at once and its not working. The tears come faster than I can stop them and once they started, they won't be stopped. I left out a small sniffle and suddenly there's mom holding me like when I was little. I finally let myself cry.
End of Ch4
