Dan Bergstein Blogging Twilight 

LOL. I don't have time to read ALL of it now but I probably would later on. Dan is so right.

My fav parts:

"And speaking of vampire powers: I don't get it. So far, these vamps are very strong and super fast. Plus, as you told me in the comments, they become attractive to help lure their prey. But if they already have incredible strength and speed, why do they need movie star looks? Maybe they're lazy. Or maybe they use their strength and speed to catch the blind, who aren't tempted by the good looks. But whatever the reason, these vampires seem over-powered. And so far, Meyer is introducing more and more abilities with each chapter.

At the hospital, Bella pulls Edward aside and demands that he explain how he saved her life. He lies, claiming he was at her side moments before the accident, and telling her she's confused because she bumped her head. She refuses to accept this, and gets angry. After Edward says, "Can't you just thank me and get over it?" she finally and reluctantly offers her thanks. Remind me never to save Bella's life." <--Spot on.


So if this big important war is happening within the hour, why would Jacob take time to sit around the tent spying? It's not as if he suspected Edward was going to reveal a big secret. What did Jacob hope to learn?

BELLA: I love you.
EDWARD: I'm going to get Jacob a new basketball pump for his birthday. Don't tell him. It's a surprise.
BELLA: I love you.
EDWARD: And just between you and me, I cried at the end of 101 Dalmatians and 102 Dalmatians.
WOLF JACOB: [snicker]
EDWARD: Did you hear that?
BELLA: I love you.

And if there was a big secret that Jacob hoped to learn, he would have learned it anyway through Seth. Seth is right there, in wolf form, hearing everything. This means that Jacob is hearing everything too, because werewolves, like two-thirds of the monsters in this book, have convenient brain powers. That noise you hear is my nonsense alarm beeping, along with my confusion bell ringing and my pizza horn honking. (Pizza is ready!)

Jacob shouldn't waste time like this. He should be gearing up for battle, sharpening his crossbow arrows, priming the engine on his jetpack, and, above all else, stretching.

Do you know why Napoleon lost the battle of Waterloo? Moments before it began, he was eavesdropping on this girl he liked, instead of stretching. During the battle, he cramped up and thus lost the war. If your history teacher calls me a liar, it's only because your history teacher is afraid of the truth.

This scene doesn't add up. So right away, I'm throwing the book across the room in anger. But it gets worse. Let's move on to Jacob's scream.

Jacob loves Bella, and the news that she is going to marry Edward must have been hard to hear. But he wouldn't cry out in horror. He might grunt in disapproval, or grumble. But the book says Jacob let loose an "earsplitting howl of pain."

"Unrequited love would NOT cause Jacob to scream. I can't think of anyone who would scream like that unless they were being dipped in acid as they watched Wild Hogs. Jacob is tough. He's rugged. I don't call him The Thunder because he cries like a baby. I call him The Thunder because he's a force of nature.

This scream is out of character. Maybe in the next chapter we'll learn that Emmett loves math more than kickboxing, and Mike Newton isn't a serial killer. I think Ms. Meyer needed a way to weaken Jacob and make him vulnerable. Her choices were either A) force him to scream like an over-dramatic donkey, or B) make him wear Hello Kitty socks with pom-poms."

Thanks for sharing the link, SimplyLaurel. I had a good laugh. :D

I just finished reading all of his Twilight blogs, its the funniest thing i have read in a long time. Everything he says is so true, i love the way he points out the obvious and calls it for what it is.

Favourite blog;
Chapter Eighteen: There Are No Words For This
Bella's Title: Who Wants to Date My Baby?

Let's try this again.

It's going to be tough blogging this chapter, because when I finished reading it, I threw it so hard it became embedded in the wall. Then I burned the wall. Then I fed the ashes to a duck and fed the duck to a bear. Then I sold the bear to some Russians, and sent it on its merry way. So I can't go back and check my facts.

One thing is for sure. Jacob is in love with a newborn baby. And with that, Stephenie Meyer has revealed herself to be an unholy creature of malice. Her body is a cocoon of meat that houses her true self, a monster made of shadow and hurt. I would call the police and have her arrested, but surely her wicked words have enchanted all manner of authority. How else could such an evil tome not only be sold in stores, but go on to be a bestseller? My fear now is that she's reading these blogs, perhaps using a magical sphere of obsidian glass to gaze at my work. These articles have angered her and she is no doubt planning my death. But I will continue. I'm not afraid of you, Shadow Queen!


As for the chapter itself, this is perverted freak fan-fiction, the kind of crap you'd find if you searched the internet for "perverted freak fan-fiction." This isn't lovely. This isn't romantic. This is wrong. It's wrong on every level. Only on opposite day could I say with a clear conscience that Chapter 18 wasn't the very worst thing I had ever read, and even then I would scream, "Opposite Day!" so loud glass would shatter and butterflies would lose their wings.

Jacob loves a baby?! A baby!? He wants to marry a baby?!!?

I made a lot of jokes about Quil, and he deserved the mockery. But at least Quil had the decency to fall in love with someone that could form words, eat solid foods, and support her own neck.

Jacob…I…I don't know what to say. But I don't hate you, Jacob. It's not your fault. It's the fault of your master, the Shadow Queen.