To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in Последнее years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the оксфордский, oxford, оксфорд English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime Далее год to determine whether any of Ты noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, Ты will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, Ты will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' '
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. Ты will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, или therapists. The fact that Ты need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Оружие should only be used for shooting grouse. If Ты can't sort things out without suing someone или speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, Ты will no longer be allowed to own или carry anything еще dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if Ты wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and Ты will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, Ты will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help Ты understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which Ты have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things Ты call French fries are not real chips, and those things Ты insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff Ты insist on calling пиво is not actually пиво at all. Henceforth, only proper British горький will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand пиво is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. Ты will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one Ты call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of Ты Храбрая сердцем enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty секунды или wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, Ты will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of Ты are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Ты will learn cricket, and we will let Ты face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. Ты must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with Ты shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily чай Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in Последнее years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the оксфордский, oxford, оксфорд English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime Далее год to determine whether any of Ты noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, Ты will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, Ты will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' '
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. Ты will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, или therapists. The fact that Ты need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Оружие should only be used for shooting grouse. If Ты can't sort things out without suing someone или speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, Ты will no longer be allowed to own или carry anything еще dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if Ты wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and Ты will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, Ты will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help Ты understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which Ты have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things Ты call French fries are not real chips, and those things Ты insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff Ты insist on calling пиво is not actually пиво at all. Henceforth, only proper British горький will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand пиво is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. Ты will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one Ты call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of Ты Храбрая сердцем enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty секунды или wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, Ты will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of Ты are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Ты will learn cricket, and we will let Ты face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. Ты must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with Ты shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily чай Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!