I'm done with my life.
link
(Also, there is some profanity in this series, so if Ты can't take cussing, или disgusting sex in these god-awful Фан fictions, please leave now.)
Ты have got to be kidding me. I'm not even joking, Ты have GOT to be FREAKING KIDDING ME. How do people come up with this, how do people even THINK that Письмо A F**KING SQUIDWARD X SPONGEBOB Фан FICTION WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!?!?
And why is porn done wrong so many times? I mean, ALL Ты have to do is at least TRY to make it funny, make no grammar errors, and VOILA! But no, people keep s**ting out crap like this.
Today, I take on what I think is the grossest Фан fiction I've ever seen.
...
NO PLEASE GOD! LET ME LIVE, PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE, I AM BEGGING YOU, I'M ON MY KNEES, DON'T DO THIS TO MY FRAGILE SOUL!
*Sigh* Fine, for the sake of doing my job, warning people about bad Фан fictions, I'll review this.
Now, I have to admit something. I had to take a break when Чтение this story, I almost retched, I am serious. Hell, I feel so sick right now....
Another thing, I never actually vomited when Чтение Faker, heck, I felt fine the whole way through, but do Ты want to know what I actually had to do?
I had to see the urgent care, I told them about this story and my stomach really hurt.
I'll say that again, A Фан FICTION PHYSICALLY HURT ME, I AM NOT JOKING AT ALL.
And Ты know what? This was going to be a special planned collaboration with one of my school friends, but I had to stay home.
And guess what it's rated? M for Mature.
OOOOHHHHH SSSHHHIIITTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh boy, I'm doing it again. I'm sorry guys, I'm stalling, but enough bulls**t, I am ripping apart the most disgusting Фан fiction I've ever seen....
It's time to look at, Hot Nights at the Krusty Krab, by Cheeze18.
"Spongebob and Squidward were bored."
Only porn Фан fictions can pull off making this sound as intimidating as possible X__O
"They were forced to work there, again, for 24 hours."
Well hey! This guy sort of knows his grammar, and he made a reference to the show!
Unfortunately, those are the only positive things I can say about this shitty short story....
"Spongebob was mopping the green wooden floors, while Squidward was Чтение a purple book, with a secret magazine hidden behind the book."
THE PURPLE BOOK IS A LIE!
Seriously though, we know the magazine is just porn, and he сказал(-а) it was behind the purple book, so....
Squidward is Чтение the boring book? NOT EVEN THE PORN ITSELF MAKES SENSE!
"Squidward was horny, with his squid penis hard."
What the hell are these people doing with their lives? They could be finding a beautiful boy/girlfriend, they could be hanging out with friends, they could be getting a job, hanging out with their dog, making YouTube videos, eating, etc.
But of ALL THINGS, his mind decides to go Rule 34 on him and s/he makes a porn Фан fiction.
About fucking Spongebob.
"He was rubbing himself, but he was not staring at the pages."
2 Things.
1: Was not = Wasn't. IT'S секунда GRADE DUDE!
2: Again, USE BETTER VOCABULARY! Really? Rubbing himself?
This is the only Фан fiction I know when it doesn't even get the porn right.
Actually, scratch that, FOR THE Любовь OF GOD DON'T USE BETTER VOCABULARY! O_____O
"He was staring at Spongebob."
Oh boy. Oh FUCKING boy....
"For about two months now, he and Spongebob have been in a relationship."
Ruining my childhood right off the bat? Alright, that's already -5,000 points!
This start was even better than Faker! ^___^
"They've kissed, and dry humped, but not sex."
FORESHADOWING. O_______O
"Yet. Squidward wanted to, so bad."
1. Why does the word yet have a period after it?
2. Can Ты please STOP DESTROYING MY SOUL!? >.<
"He felt like he was pressuring Spongebob to do it, but he had no problem."
Yeah, this is every porn Фан fiction in a nutshell.
STEP ONE: Somewhat boring dialogue with some childhood crushing material here and there.
STEP TWO: That one, "OH NO X___X" Moment.
STEP THREE: Sex. -___-
"Spongebob turned around, and showed his square butt."
What the f@%k is this person doing with their life? Does s/he really think they're going to turn anyone on with this S&#T!?
Ugh, I am so sick of this.
"Squidward felt a throb. He was about to cum."
And no comma because WHY NOT? :D
"Panting, he lifted himself up, and watched Spongebob."
It's near impossible to stay neutral while Чтение this, BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT, WHO, WHERE, WHEN, WHY DID THEY THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!?!?
Time to bring out my napalm flamethrower. >:(
"He said, Эй, Spongebob? Spongebob turned, smiling."
DON'T TRUST THE EVIL SMILE! X___X
"Yes?"
Yep, boring dialogue, quite literally, out the ass.
Yeah, this is why it takes so long to make these episodes, these Фан fictions ARE SO BORING!
I mean, I know Ты pretty much HAVE to put in some everyday dialogue BUT CAN Ты AT LEAST TRY to be entertaining?
Time to charge the napalm flamethrower. >:(
"Um, I want to do something with you. Is that okay?"
FUCK NO!!! NOT EVEN CENSORING IT, FUCK NO!!!!!!!
"Squidward asked, Spongebob's face was all confused."
That's the reason these are so tiring to read. I read this story TWICE before reviewing this and NOT ONCE did I see any attempts at comedy to make this even remotely interesting to read.
It's like if Ты had to read those Harry Potter books.
IN THE FIRST GRADE.
"Like what? That.. sex thing. we have been talking about."
We have = We've. Once again, секунда GRADE!!!!!
"Sex? Oh yeah."
OH YEAAAAH, SEX! HOW COULD I FORGET? :D YEAH, THAT THING! I REMEMBER NOW!
Yeah, like Faker, this story is bastardizing innocent characters from my childhood.
Also, strangely enough, bastardizing is a word. o__O
Not even kidding, Google's Auto-Correct just left it like that.
LOL :D
"So?"
"So What?"
"Did you...want to...try it?"
Can Ты try... TALKING FASTER? WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO BORING! >.<
On секунда thought, for the Любовь of god, STALL STALL STALL. O__O
"What, here?"
"Sure."
ARE Ты SURE YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE SURE? ^____^
*Sigh* What the fuck is wrong with these people?
"I don't know..Spongebob looked down at the floor."
"Squidward walked over to the sponge and draped an arm over his shoulders. He smiled."
UHHH......WITH MENTOS FRESHEN UP YOUR LIFE? ^___^
Damn it, unlike Television, commercials can't stop me here.
CURSE Ты DINKLEBERG!!!!!
"Why don't we try it? He suggested, slipping a tentacle under south, under Spongebob's pants and grabbing his limp d**k"
ALL NEW SPICY MCGRIDDLE ONLY $3.99! ^___^ ONLY AT MCDONALDS!
Fuck, where are the advertisements when Ты need them?
Well if Fanpop won't add them for me, then I will!
And please watch these too. Not only did I find some really funny ones, but LORD KNOWS Ты probably need a break too.
Plus, it makes me unique from other reviewers. :D
So yeah, here Ты go!
link
AAAAND WE'RE BACK! ^___^
Better aim my napalm flamethrower. >:(
But remember guys, Mentos, the fresh-maker! :D
"He rubbed it to life."
What. The. FUCK!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?
"Spongebob moaned."
(Must...not....spam...advertisements.....)
"Squidward continued to rub at and grab at Spongebob's balls to get him hot."
This is еще disturbing then Faker...
Achievement unlocked Cheeze18! CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS. >:(
(How do Ты like the new running gag? ^__^)
"It dd make him hot, and Spongebob saw Squidward's erection for the first time that night."
ABOUT TO PUSH THE огонь BUTTON ON THE NAPALM FLAMETHROWER! >:(
"He kneeled down and took the light-blue co** n his mouth."
Ты know what's a huge shame guys? I just randomly find these. Yeah, I don't type in, "Worst Spongebob Фан Fictions Ever" in Google, I just read the first result on the page.
Again, society fucking sucks nowadays.
"Spongebob sucked and licked and rubbed while he worked at his own hard on."
Same problem Sonic and Tails and Knuckles Go Fishing had, FUCK COMMAS! ^___^
"Spongebob was еще hot, though, as he felt his d*** felt up with his seed."
Now the Автор has a comma fetish. JUST FANTASTIC.
"He moaned and went faster. He then took it deep in his mouth and deep throated."
I am praying to god right now that the Автор wasn't aroused when making this. o___O
If he did, then he was successfully been even еще of a demented satanic pervert then the Автор of The Pokemon Story.
Two achievements unlocked, YOU'RE ON A WINNING STREAK CHEEZE18! ^__^
"Spongebob conjured up еще saliva and sucked faster."
We all know what's about to happen... *Gags*
TrueBlueTeam: Yeah, the white stuff! ^___^
Me: link
(Replace Lazer with napalm flamethrower. :D)
(And according to Google Auto-Correct, Lazer, no matter how Ты spell it, isn't a word.)
(Fuck logic.)
"Squidward moaned and held the back of Spongebob's head. His own ejaculate rose back up into the main tube."
Starting to miss when Faker called it white stuff. o-O
"He was gonna cum."
And apparently, Google Auto-Correct thinks gonna is a word.
In the words of TheUncleChairman: Indeed, logic has escaped out the window.
"Squidward held on for his life."
Haha.....AHHAHAHAAHAH!!!! What is this, Mission Impossible, The Sex Edition?
That was the funniest part of this whole Фан fiction. ^__^
Sadly though, it wasn't INTENDED to be a joke, just bad vocabulary.
AW COME ON! :(
"It was gonna be a big one!"
Ты have got to be fucking kidding me.
"Even bigger than when he and Spongebob dry humped and rubbed each other's d***s."
Even еще bonus points for bastardizing a character as much as possible!
EXTREME FEVER!!!! ^__________^ (You never played Peggle, have you?)
"Squidward scrunched up his face and gritted his teeth."
This is the most awkward sex scene I've ever read in a Фан fiction. I mean, this isn't just sex, this is like a freaking action movie!
Damn, it sounds like the fucking Matrix!
Matrix Script: Neo gritted his teeth as he shot Agent Smith, and with perfect accuracy, the bullet took him down. Agent Smith's scrunched up face haunted Neo forever after that day, as well as the dead bodies of the Sentinels.
WOW, what a coincidence...... o___O
Not even making a conspiracy joke, that was weird....
HOT NIGHTS AT THE KRUSTY KRAB! INCLUDES PORN, 24 час NIGHT SHIFTS, BORING DIALOGUE, AND THE FUCKING MATRIX! ^___^
"His face was becoming beet red."
Again, the dialogue in this story is horrible, they just compared Squidward's face to a beet.
Wow, there's some real clutch vocabulary in here! :D
"Oh...oh..here it comes! he moaned."
Like a one год old without their молоко bottle.
"Spongebob went slower, and still suckled."
I'll tell Ты one thing, the Автор Cheeze18 can suck on fucking glass.
"He moaned himself, apparently at his own limit. He went at a slow pace and then pulled the d*** out."
Can Ты please fucking ejaculate so I can go Главная and get some lunch? It's already 4:12, and my Друзья are waiting for me! Jeez, the Superbowl doesn't last forever, Ты know!
"He took it with one yellow hand..."
NO SHIT SHERLOCK, SPONGEBOB HAS YELLOW HANDS, WE ALL FUCKING KNOW THAT!
This is worse than, *Sonic the hedgehog was a hedgehog.*
"And rubbed, nice and slow. This made Squidward groan and made his body heat up another five или ten degrees."
Mr. Krabs: DON'T TOUCH ME THERMOSTAT! ^___^
Damn, why did Ты have to ruin Spongebob for me, Cheeze18?
Fucking Rule 34.
"He rolled his eyes back as a final stroke set him off. Hot squid spunk shot up into the air, and landed on the yellow recipient's face, on his tongue, in his holes, on his hands, and even that nose of his."
Fuck vocabulary. Just, fuck it.
Actually, knowing Rule 34 there probably already is a porn Фан fiction on the word vocabulary getting fucked.
Again, society. What is wrong with you?
"Spongebob was set off, and he ejaculated all over Squidward's legs, and on the once clean floor."
Can Ты believe I have been trying to find bad Фан fictions in general, but the only bad ones I could find were porn?
Think of it, only Капкейки and Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles go fishing (At least not yet.) Have no porn in them, so what the hell?
I'm now taking suggestions for terrible Фан fictions that aren't porn, HELP ME OUT HERE GUYS. O____O
Can't be that bad right?
Oh no... WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
"He gasped for breath, while panting Squidward's name, excitidly."
Wait... I typed that correct, right? *Checks* Yeah, I did!
So.... еще BAD SPELLING NOT FOR THE WIN. >:(
Also, I don't know if I mentioned this yet или not, but often during these Фан fiction reviews the Фан fictions won't let me copy-paste, which not only makes reviewing this harder, (And painful...) But it make me have to check everything and it's the reason some of my episodes aren't done yet.
It's bad enough Чтение these stories, but it's even worse when I have to type them out on here.
If Ты find a bad Фан fiction that isn't porn, make sure Ты can copy-paste, PLEASE.
Anyways, I think it's time for another refreshing pause! ^___^
And that means.... COMMERCIAL TIME! :D
link
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN COME UP WITH THIS!?
Isabel opened hearing two where inspector Anderson was still sitting with Andy. She signed and Anderson walked towards. She mumbled something to him and she and Anderson looked at Andy. Andy took a deep breath. He had a bad feeling about this.
Anderson walked behind Andy and ordered him to stand up. He cuffed him. “Andy Baker, I arrest Ты for the murder on Shannen White”
“What? But I didn’t kill her! I’m innocent!” Andy shouted. Anderson motioned at the guard who walked to them. He took Andy’s arm with a firm grip and forced him out of the room. When they were on the hallway, Andy saw Zoey and Cas standing a few yards further.
“He’s the one! He killed her! He’s the one you’re looking for!” he yelled.
“Mr. Allen has an alibi” Isabel said.
“No! He’s lying! He lies about everything! Emmanuel is not even his real name!” Andy yelled, while the guard dragged him along.
Anderson walked behind Andy and ordered him to stand up. He cuffed him. “Andy Baker, I arrest Ты for the murder on Shannen White”
“What? But I didn’t kill her! I’m innocent!” Andy shouted. Anderson motioned at the guard who walked to them. He took Andy’s arm with a firm grip and forced him out of the room. When they were on the hallway, Andy saw Zoey and Cas standing a few yards further.
“He’s the one! He killed her! He’s the one you’re looking for!” he yelled.
“Mr. Allen has an alibi” Isabel said.
“No! He’s lying! He lies about everything! Emmanuel is not even his real name!” Andy yelled, while the guard dragged him along.
