Me, Myself, and I

By Rita Skeeter

Exclusive interview with notorious Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange

Here I am, sitting in the private dungeon of the notorious Bellatrix Lestrange, most feared follower of the Dark Lord, and having a completely normal interview. Read on to see if there’s еще to Bellatrix than just madness and a nasty reputation!

RS: Hello!

BL: *growls*

RS: Do Ты mind if I use a quick-quotes quill?

BL: What’s that?

*fingers wand handle threateningly*

RS: Oh, nothing, erm, moving on…Can I call Ты Bella?

BL: No.

RS: How would Ты describe your relationship with the man known as Lord Voldemort

*Bellatrix turns pink, then regains composture*

BL: I am his most loyal follower! I, who spent years in Azkaban for him!

RS: Riiiiight, I’m sure that was a real big help, now-

*Bellatrix reaches for wand again*

BL: Do Ты doubt me, Ты FILTHY HALF-BLOOD!

RS: uh, no, of course not, now, what would Ты say is your Избранное spell?

BL: CRUCIO!! Would Ты like a demonstration?

*Bellatrix laughs evilly and reaches for wand again*

RS: No need for that, now, er, why do Ты like it so much?

BL: It’s so much fun to cause innocent people pain! HAHAHA! And I give filthy mudbloods and half-bloods what they deserve. *cackles evilly* I also like Avada Kedavra, but not as much since it doesn’t actually cause people insufferable pain, *Cackles again*.

RS: *uncomfortably* Right, er, moving on, how do Ты feel before going out on missions for the Dark Lord? Uncomfortable? Excited? Guilty?

*Bellatrix leans вперед and looks at my Письмо pad*

BL: I CAN be nice! Like if someone begs me to kill them it’s not like I ignore that altogether reasonable request!

RS: Okay, moving on again, what are your main goals in life?

BL: To torture as many innocent people as possible, especially filthy mudbloods, kill muggles, do the Dark Lords bidding, make out with the Dark Lor-er, nothing

*Bellatrix turns pink*

RS: Mmmhmm, very interesting, now, how do Ты feel about the way J.K. Rowling has written about Ты in the Harry Potter Books? Do Ты feel she has done Ты justice?

BL: I HATE THE STUPID TITLE! The series should be called something еще like “The Dark Lords quest for blood purification and the filthy half-blood idiot who stood in his way and eventually died a painful death”

RS: Hmmm, and how do Ты feel about your death at the hands of Molly Weasley?

BL: DO NOT SPEAK OF IT! THAT STUPID HALF-BLOOD-FILTHY-BLOOD-TRAITOR-FAT-UNTALENTED-SEVEN-KIDS-UGLY-HOUSEWITCH DID NOT DESERVE TO KILL ME! THE DARK LORD MOST LOYAL FOLLOWER! I COULD DEFEAT HER WITH MY WAND TIED BEHIND MY BACK! I WILL HAVE JUSTICE!! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! CRUCIO! AVADA KEDAVRA!

*As I was running for my life, I was forced to conclude my highly informative interview with Bellatrix Lestrange*