1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores Ты или is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in Любовь with Ты — and Ты are the point of his existence.
2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells Ты to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the Любовь of your life. Ты should stay with him since he will keep Ты безопасно, сейф forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling Ты he will never see Ты again), it is because he loves Ты so much he will suffer just to keep Ты safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your Друзья and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as Ты keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even еще romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave Ты always come back.
9. Because they come back, Ты should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though Ты have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, Ты should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy Ты something.
11. Ты should use сказал(-а) male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical или technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while Ты run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what Ты must do.
13. Car theft in the service of Любовь is acceptable.
14. If the boy Ты are in Любовь with causes Ты (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten Ты end up in the hospital, Ты should tell the doctors and your family that Ты “fell down the steps” because Ты are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if Ты sacrifice everything Ты are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills или emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When Письмо a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal Источник material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making или watching a major feature film, Ты should gleefully embrace the 20 минуты of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. Вампиры — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.