please tell me what Ты think its a story i just want critiqued. just Совет on how to improve it



We sat there, tears falling from our eyes. We, being me and my twin sister Friday. My name is Maxi. Izzy the oldest of our younger siblings just sat. Kate slept with the others. And Sammi gripped her rag doll tighter. This was probably because our parents had died earlier that night.

We had been coming back from the movies, driving through the bushy area near our mansion house. Then we had been run off the road by a lunatic drunk. The crash had been loud. So loud Ты could barely hear yourself think. Mind you, god never closes a door without opening a window… so Ты can climb out. The window. We were mostly unharmed. I had been unconscious until Friday shook me awake. We unbuckled everyone else and clambered out of the car. It had been that moment which we realized that our parents were dead.

As i watched a tear hit the picture frame that Friday was holding. еще and еще came until they were gushing out of her eyes. I pulled her into a hug and soon Izzy was crying. I pulled her onto my lap and we sat there, Friday, Izzy and me, huddled and crying until we all fell asleep.

I woke up half way through the night, from a dream that had involved an unhealthy amount of snakes, and saw without surprise that the cat had come in and was now asleep on вверх of my baby brother Erik. Carefully I eased out from under Izzy's tired form and crept over to the постель, кровати where Kate Sammi and Erik had all fallen asleep. I lifted the cat off Erik and left the room as quietly as possible. I creaked down two flights of stairs into the кухня where the light was still on. I pulled open the fridge door and looked around to see if there was any food. As I was easing the door closed with a сок box in one hand and an яблоко in the other I heard a voice from behind me.
"Hi Max." Friday's voice was dry from crying and her face was blotchy but it wasn't hard to tell it was her.
"Hey," I said, "How are Ты doing?"
"Okay-ish, you?"
"I don’t know," I replied. In truth I was incre
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sorry the end was a bit cut off :)
stevie_fan98 posted Больше года
 stevie_fan98 posted Больше года
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Письмо Ответы

M169 said:
I really like the story so far. I uderstand very clearly what's happening. Maybe it would be nice to have a little еще phisicl description? And maybe some longr sentances....I'm not very good at critizing stories....
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posted Больше года 
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:) thanks
stevie_fan98 posted Больше года
bri-marie said:
Ты have a pretty good start here, but I feel very detached from the story. Add lots of еще details - sight, sound, smell, touch, taste. Put lots еще emotion into it to allow your reader to really feel what your characters are going through.
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posted Больше года 
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thanks that really helped! :)
stevie_fan98 posted Больше года
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No problem :)
bri-marie posted Больше года
writer67 said:
IN TRUTH I WAS INCRE: asingly aware she wasnt telling me everything. mmm i like it; could blow some еще info; to let a blind and deaf person read it. short and sweet to get wat Ты want- out! good! 7 outa ten. hope theres oceans или rivers and mountains for ten of ten later;-]
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1-2vampire said:
It is very good so far, but Ты need a little еще description, some adjectives maybe.
:)
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