I'm putting two funny Статьи together in one, hope Ты enjoy it!

Some fun rules
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I Любовь deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would Ты know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what Ты need, and I'll tell Ты how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time Ты need him, chances are Ты won't need him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. Ты have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in постель, кровати looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?! "
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through арахис butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, Ты are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. And,18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag Ты down to their level then beat Ты with experience."

A Cynic's guide to life.

A Cynics Guide to Life:The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken Фан ремень, пояс, пояса and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a цветок grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a огонь drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner или later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. If Ты don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts Ты off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, Ты can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. Each день I try to enjoy something from each of the four Еда groups: the конфета, бонбон group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is " group. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. ust remember... Ты gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! When Ты find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie или an Indian burn. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price Ты pay for letting the relatives stay over. It's a small world. So Ты gotta use your elbows a lot. Keep your nose to the точильный камень and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. Любовь is like a roller coaster: when it's good Ты don't want to get off, and when it isn't... Ты can't wait to throw up."