[The Simpsons] 1F02 - Homer Goes To College #255
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the капот, худ #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the капот, худ #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach Ты how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, Ты don't have a son.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An слон #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An слон #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's Еда bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An слон #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the слон twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. фургон, ван Houten: Yes, but we paid Ты $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 еще that Ты owe me.
Mr. фургон, ван Houten: Get off our property.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An слон #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't Ты people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If Ты can tell me why I shouldn't огонь Ты without using the letter "E", Ты can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: Ты will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a Описание of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. Ты know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when Динозавры weren't just confined to zoos!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want Ты stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a минута [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F22 - лимон of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if Ты get lost, Ты can always find east by staring directly at the sun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't Ты have some other type of party, one where Ты don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people Любовь meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. Ты don't win Друзья with salad.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, Ты can either get up или go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 минуты to Переместить your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 минуты to Переместить your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do Ты have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because Ты are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire кухня is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed by Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would Ты like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once еще for money.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed by mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The картридж, патрон Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, или a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The картридж, патрон Family #253
Salesman: But surely Ты can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The картридж, патрон Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The картридж, патрон Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will Ты be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe Ты have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last месяц when I paid back that loan? Well now I need Ты to do a favor for me.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping или mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I Любовь Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my Любовь life have been without it?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss Ты so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the Еда preparation.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will Ты stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: Ты won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed by mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: лиса, фокс Broadcasting, down 8.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. или it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do Ты need a paperweight? 'Cause if Ты buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are Ты sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if Ты were, I'd have to ask Ты to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course Ты were.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are Ты holding me here? I want Ответы now, или I want them eventually!
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a пантера leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - Теннис The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips или anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't Ты worry about a thing. [turns on a пиво tap, spilling the пиво onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are Ты doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy пиво from you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, Ты don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: Ты don't like me? I like you.
Moe: Ты do? Then I like Ты too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. или very far. And if Ты drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few еще details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no Еда will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about Ты and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the год end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each день like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I сказал(-а) bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed by gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask Ты to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, Ты still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the огонь first!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did Ты let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that Ты read it and tell me what Ты think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! Ты help me, and I in-turn am helped by you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If Ты Любовь the Bible so much, why don't Ты marry it? In fact, I now pronounce Ты and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the университет of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: Ты ignorant American! Ты have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do Ты really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey Ты are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with Ты I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, Ты know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all Ты circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any дана Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
Homer: I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F05 - Bart's Inner Child #32
Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away!
Moe: They're heading for the old mill!
Homer: No we're not.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the капот, худ #86
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... except the weasel.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F06 - Boy Scoutz 'N the капот, худ #87
Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach Ты how to sing to trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh heh, Ты don't have a son.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 1F07 - The Last Temptation Of Homer #33
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah.
Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo... Junior... Shabadoo
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
[A man leaves, weeping]
Barney: Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F09 - Homer the Vigilante #45
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An слон #34
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An слон #35
Homer: Look at this, Marge: $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's Еда bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An слон #36
Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the слон twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. фургон, ван Houten: Yes, but we paid Ты $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 еще that Ты owe me.
Mr. фургон, ван Houten: Get off our property.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F15 - Bart Gets An слон #37
Lisa: Dad! You're sinking.
Homer: Huh?
Marge: Get a rope, Bart?
Homer: Naw, that's OK. I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #396
Chief Wiggum: Oh, for gosh g -- can't Ты people solve these problems yourselves? I mean, we can't be, er, "policing" the whole city.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F16 - Burns' Heir #397
Burns: OK, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If Ты can tell me why I shouldn't огонь Ты without using the letter "E", Ты can keep your job.
Lenny: Uh, OK. Um, I'm a good...work...guy --
Burns: You're fired.
Lenny: But I didn't say --
Burns: Ты will. [pushes a button]
Lenny: [falling through a trap door] EEEEeeeee!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 1F17 - Lisa's Rival #38
Alison: We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a Описание of that person.
Taylor: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Alec Guinness.
Alison: [thinks] Genuine class.
Taylor: Ho ho, very good. All right, Lisa, um...Jeremy Irons.
Lisa: [thinks] Jeremy's...iron.
Taylor: Mm hmm, well that's...very good...for a first try. Ты know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F03 - Treehouse of Horror V #39
Homer: I've gone back to the time when Динозавры weren't just confined to zoos!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F05 - Lisa on Ice #394
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F09 - Homer The Great #259
Marge: I don't want Ты stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, OK, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a минута [gets up] I'm... going outside. To... stalk ...Lenny and Carl...[realizes] D'oh!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 2F22 - лимон of Troy #52
Bart: Remember: if Ты get lost, Ты can always find east by staring directly at the sun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F03 - Lisa the Vegetarian #258
Homer: Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.
Lisa: [Reading the invitation.] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."
Bart: What's that extra B for?
Homer: It's a typo.
Lisa: Dad! Can't Ты have some other type of party, one where Ты don't serve meat?
Homer: All normal people Любовь meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. Ты don't win Друзья with salad.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #53
Burns: Here, tell me how my stocks did yesterday.
Homer: Uh, they all won.
Burns: What about my options?
Homer: Well, Ты can either get up или go back to sleep.
Burns: I believe I'll get up.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #54
Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 минуты to Переместить your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 минуты to Переместить your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F14 - Homer the Smithers #145
Homer: I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #63
Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do Ты have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3F17 - Bart on the Road #64
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait... I wish I "was" going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because Ты are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 3F18 - 22 Short Films About Springfield #261
Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be -- [notes entire кухня is on fire] Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.
Contributed by Kurt D
[The Simpsons] 3F20 - Much Apu About Nothing #46
Homer: [on phone] Hello, Selma? Selma my dear, how are you? ... Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a second. How would Ты like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?
Selma: I'd rather eat poison. My name's already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nahassapeema-whatever. From now on, I'm only marrying for love... Mmm, possibly once еще for money.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 3G04 - Simpson Tide #260
Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
Abe: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 4F24 - Lisa the Simpson #263
Marge: Lisa, Lisa honey wake up.
Lisa: Why bother?
Marge: Because your father has a big surprise for you.
Lisa: I'm adopted?
Marge: Better, come look.
Contributed by mark m
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The картридж, патрон Family #251
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, или a harpoon, or...uh, ...an alligator.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The картридж, патрон Family #253
Salesman: But surely Ты can't put a price on your family's lives.
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The картридж, патрон Family #254
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F01 - The картридж, патрон Family #257
Homer: I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #55
Homer: Ooh, they have the Internet on computers now!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #56
Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend, how can I help you?
Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will Ты be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
Homer: [stares blankly] Can I have some money now?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F11 - Das Bus #57
Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything we must respec--
Bart: Point of odor, Lisa stinks.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] 5F22 - Bart the Mother #266
Homer: Oh, I hate folding sheets!
Marge: That's your underwear.
Homer: Well, whatever it is, it's a two-man job. Where's Bart?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F22 - Blood Feud #58
Homer: [disguising his voice] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe Ты have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: [pause] I don't know.
[outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 7F23 - When Flanders Failed #107
Homer: Hello Jerry, remember last месяц when I paid back that loan? Well now I need Ты to do a favor for me.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F06 - The New Kid on the Block #395
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F09 - Homer's Triple Bypass #44
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping или mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F13 - I Любовь Lisa #421
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my Любовь life have been without it?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F17 - So It's Come To This #422
TV: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmmmm... beer...
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] 9F20 - Marge In Chains #262
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss Ты so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the Еда preparation.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF11 - I'm With Cupid #144
Homer: And ask yourselves, people. Who's to blame for all this?
Hibbert: Well, I guess we are.
Ned: Well, I do take Maude for granted.
Lenny: Oh, I've done some of that myself.
Homer: Will Ты stop it? It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's making us look bad!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] AABF21 - Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? #59
Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF08 - The Mansion Family #276
Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?
Lisa: Ты won a Grammy!
Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning.
Contributed by mark m
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #66
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Homer: Animotion.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Homer: Yahoo!
Operator: Yahoo, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: лиса, фокс Broadcasting, down 8.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] BABF22 - HOMR #67
Scientist: We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. или it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #43
Homer: Um ... I guess I'll take that one.
Salesman: Well, do Ты need a paperweight? 'Cause if Ты buy that machine, that's all you're going to have, an expensive paperweight.
Homer: Well, a paperweight would be nice, but what I really need is a computer. How about that one? [points to another machine]
Salesman: That technology is three months old. Only suckers buy out-of-date machines. You're not a sucker, are Ты sir?
Homer: Heavens no!
Salesman: Oh good, because if Ты were, I'd have to ask Ты to leave the store.
Homer: I just need something to receive email.
Salesman: [whistles] You'll need a top-of-the-line machine for that. [shows Homer a machine] That's the same computer astronauts use to do their taxes.
Homer: I was an astronaut.
Salesman: Of course Ты were.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF02 - The Computer Wore Menace Shoes #62
Homer: Who are you, and why are Ты holding me here? I want Ответы now, или I want them eventually!
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #60
Homer: What should I do with all this dirty, ill-gotten money? I'd better throw it in the garbage.
Lisa: Well, there's lots of needy kids out there.
Homer: I see what you're saying. I need to buy a gun!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF04 - Homer Vs. Dignity #61
Marge: Homer, we need to talk to a financial planner.
Homer: Financial panther, eh?
[imagining]
Banker: Mr. Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn.
Homer: Get him, Sheba!
[a пантера leaps onscreen and mauls the banker]
[back to reality] I'm on board.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] CABF07 - Теннис The Menace #135
Lisa: Venus Simpson? You're replacing me?
Homer: Now Lisa, dumping's such a harsh word. Lets just say I'm replacing you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF16 - Children Of A Lesser Clod #143
Krusty: [About Homer] A man so generous, not recognizing him would make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #40
Moe: ... and if anyone wants potato chips или anything fancy, tell him to go to Hell.
Homer: Can do. Now, don't Ты worry about a thing. [turns on a пиво tap, spilling the пиво onto the floor]
Moe: Hey, what are Ты doing? I gotta pay for that!
Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy пиво from you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] CABF20 - Homer the Moe #41
Moe: Listen, I don't like you, Ты don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.
Lisa: Ты don't like me? I like you.
Moe: Ты do? Then I like Ты too. Here, have a towelette.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] DABF18 - Large Marge #114
Homer: I came out of the elephant's mouth, right? Because I already showered once today.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF02 - Special Edna #115
Electric Car: Hello. I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast. или very far. And if Ты drive me, people will think you're gay.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #280
Burns: Now a few еще details about this year's company picnic. It's at the plant, no Еда will be served, the only activity will be work, and the picnic is cancelled.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #281
Lisa: What about Ты and mom?
Homer: Oh we'll be upstairs in the bedroom making love...ly rope ladders, in case there's a fire.
Bart: Oh, okay.
Homer: Children, so naive.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Who's naive?
Homer: I didn't say anything...so naive.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #282
Female Associate: Homer, I'll go over the год end profit forecast if you'll stop looking at my boobs.
Homer: No deal.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF10 - C.E. D'oh #283
Homer: [reading from a book] Tip 1: Live each день like it was your last. [sitting on a curb, sobbing] I don't wanna die! I'm so young!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF15 - Brake My Wife, Please #279
Homer: Psst, bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: We're playing dominoes!
Homer: I сказал(-а) bishop to Queen four.
Old Man: Alright already... sheesh.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF17 - Moe Baby Blues #277
Moe: "Alice in Wonderland", huh? This must be a takeoff on an "Alice in Underpants" movie I saw.
Contributed by gook nukem
[The Simpsons] EABF20 - The President Wore Pearls #192
Milhouse: And to think I was going to ask Ты to the dance!
Lisa: I would have gone with you..
Milhouse: Well, Ты still can!
Lisa: Well I don’t feel like it now.
Milhouse: Awww! That's cool. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #194
Lisa: Press the gray brick in the back of the fireplace.
Homer: Sweet freedom, here I... Owww!
Lisa: Put out the огонь first!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #195
Homer: America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #196
Lisa: Why did Ты let him be his own barrister?
Marge: What difference could it make? He hit the friggin' Queen!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] EABF22 - The Regina Monologues #197
Homer: Yes, I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #199
Homer: Where to, Mac?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: Hospital, eh? Wow, everyone is going there tonight.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] FABF05 - Diatribe of a Mad Housewife #200
Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that Ты read it and tell me what Ты think.
Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF02 - Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass #105
Homer: Yeah! Ты help me, and I in-turn am helped by you.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF04 - There's Something About Marrying #132
Reverand Lovejoy: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage is described in the Bible--
Homer: If Ты Любовь the Bible so much, why don't Ты marry it? In fact, I now pronounce Ты and the Bible man and wife. And you're the wife!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] GABF18 - The Bonfire Of The Manatees #134
Marge: I found a place where I'm needed.
Homer: You're needed at home!
Marge: And treated like I deserve.
Homer: [pause] You're needed at home!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF10 - Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore #68
Homer: This isn't India! Where's the университет of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?!
Indian Woman: Ты ignorant American! Ты have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers!
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #109
Marge: Do Ты really think that woman are mentally inferior?
Homer: Well, eh uh, honey Ты are just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with Ты I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] HABF12 - Girls Just Wanna Have Sums #110
Marge: Women are as smart as men. Why, a woman invented Liquid Paper.
Homer: Well, Ты know what a man invented? Actual paper.
Contributed by sahbeewah
[The Simpsons] JABF18 - The Homer of Seville #241
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all Ты circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] JABF20 - He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs #239
Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
[The Simpsons] KABF11 - Any дана Sundance #112
Homer: I never wanted to be famous for being mean. I wanted to be famous for catching Santa Claus.
Contributed by funnytvquotes.com
