1. If they want to loan Ты money, tell them Ты just filed for bankruptcy and Ты could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are Ты today?" say, "Why do Ты want to know?" Alternately, Ты can tell them, "I'm so glad Ты asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is Актёрское искусство up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your "problems."
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Ask them how to spell "Milpitas." Continue asking them personal Вопросы или Вопросы about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you're male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter & Siegel services... You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] What are Ты wearing? Telemarketer: [Click.]
5. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Judy, how have Ты BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know Ты from.
6. Say "no", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if Ты can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get Ты to sign up with their Family and Друзья plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as Ты can muster, "I don't have any friends...would Ты be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can Ты get out blood? Can Ты get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?" Alternate: "Sorry, my floor is made of stone."
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "uh-huh", "rilly" или "how fascinating". Finally, when they ask Ты to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them Ты couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell them Ты work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from WaterTronics." You: "WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are Ты calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh...Milpitas, California." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business? The weather?!?" Telemarketer: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees." You: "Oh, okay. Bye!"
11. Answer the phone. As soon as Ты realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, Shout или scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give Ты their phone number, you'll call them back. Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number". Ты say, "I guess Ты don't want anyone bothering Ты at work, right?" Telemarketer will agree. Ты say "Now Ты know how I feel!" Hang-up.
13. Breath heavily and tell them Ты were in the middle of having sex with your wife/husband. Tell them that the deal sounds good, but Ты are not waiting for another месяц to finish the sex.
14. Sound happy to see hear from them, and ask them if they have (a) insurance (b) a burial plot, или (c) a stock broker and that Ты are one.
15. Say "speak up" and continue to do so.
16. Keep one of those personal siren alarms near the phone.
17. Ask them if they are aware that Ты are with the District Attorney's Office, Division of Consumer Fraud, and that the conversation is being taped.
2. If they start out with, "How are Ты today?" say, "Why do Ты want to know?" Alternately, Ты can tell them, "I'm so glad Ты asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is Актёрское искусство up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your "problems."
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Ask them how to spell "Milpitas." Continue asking them personal Вопросы или Вопросы about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you're male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter & Siegel services... You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] What are Ты wearing? Telemarketer: [Click.]
5. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Judy, how have Ты BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know Ты from.
6. Say "no", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if Ты can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get Ты to sign up with their Family and Друзья plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as Ты can muster, "I don't have any friends...would Ты be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can Ты get out blood? Can Ты get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?" Alternate: "Sorry, my floor is made of stone."
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "uh-huh", "rilly" или "how fascinating". Finally, when they ask Ты to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them Ты couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell them Ты work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from WaterTronics." You: "WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are Ты calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh...Milpitas, California." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business? The weather?!?" Telemarketer: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees." You: "Oh, okay. Bye!"
11. Answer the phone. As soon as Ты realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, Shout или scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give Ты their phone number, you'll call them back. Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number". Ты say, "I guess Ты don't want anyone bothering Ты at work, right?" Telemarketer will agree. Ты say "Now Ты know how I feel!" Hang-up.
13. Breath heavily and tell them Ты were in the middle of having sex with your wife/husband. Tell them that the deal sounds good, but Ты are not waiting for another месяц to finish the sex.
14. Sound happy to see hear from them, and ask them if they have (a) insurance (b) a burial plot, или (c) a stock broker and that Ты are one.
15. Say "speak up" and continue to do so.
16. Keep one of those personal siren alarms near the phone.
17. Ask them if they are aware that Ты are with the District Attorney's Office, Division of Consumer Fraud, and that the conversation is being taped.
